Well here we are, week 2 of Keeping Up With The Kardashians and already I am looking for a new angle. For my first time out last week I Presented what amounted to a blow by blow of the season 6 premier of the worst thing I have ever watched on television. I decided to change my approach a little bit for week 2.
I watched the episode Monday night rather than spending the time doing something nice, like reading with one of my kids. I am writing this Tuesday morning rather than going to my son Owen's picinic day at school. He'll understand, Daddy has a job to do. So here are my thoughts having had 12 hours or so let this week's episode sink in.
I hate Mike Schopp and Greg Bauch for choosing to make me watch this insipid, nuclear waste dump of a show. I hate myself for not being better at picking football games. I hate that my satellite dish hasn't fallen off of my roof. I hate that people like this putrid nonsense. I hate that I feel some remorse about any of this.
Look, I know, one man's garbage is another man's treasure. Sometimes when I write or talk about many of the things that pass as being culturally relevant today I probably come off like I think I'm so smart and you must be so dumb if you like this crap. Like I'm sitting around reading Camus, listening to Jazz records you've never heard of, and watching PBS. Sure. More likely, I'm reading a motorcycle magazine, listening to a Rancid song about a drug deal gone bad and watching Drag Racing. High art it ain't.
But alas, you are not being asked to review Rancid records or watch Drag Racing, and I have a job to do and a debt to pay.
The nuts and bolts of this week's show played out in two storylines. One involves another daughter that I am seeing for the first time. Kameron? Kallista? Kendall? Yeah, Kendall I think is right. Has to be a K name. Kendall is 15 and a model. Kim takes her to NYC so she can show her the ropes and push her into being a runway model and see her basketball playing boyfriend, Kris Humphries. Kendall ends up hating the idea of being a runway model and melting down and embarrassing Kim in front of what I guess is the Bill Walsh of runway model coaches or something.
This show blows.
The other story line this week centers on Mother/Manager having a key to Kourtney and Scott's house. This is so stupid I can hardly even stand to be typing right now. The drama begins when Mother/Manager lets herself into their house one day while Scott is home. He gets upset and tells Kourtney she needs to take the key away. Not that Mother/Manager should call first, or ring the doorbell. Just take the key away. My parents have a key to my house. So do my wife's parents. And my brother in law. You know why? Because sometimes we need for them to get in our house when we're not there. You know what they don't do? Use the key when we are there. Who does that? Why would someone do that? I think I know why. To create fake drama on a show that should be placed in a time capsule to mark the continued deterioration of our culture.
"And in 2011, people cared about a family of people whose names all began with the letter K. They were famous for acting like they were famous, hanging out with other people who were famous for acting like they were famous, and dating athletes. One of them had sex on videotape, I think." The end.
Mother/Manager ends up giving the key back but tells the viewers the kids will regret it. Nice. Kim tells Kendall she's sorry for pushing her so hard and I think there is some crying. Or maybe that's me crying. Forgive me, it's hard to tell because this show is so real.
Next week, Bruce Jenner has an orgy!
I'm so sorry. I made that up. A dried up catcher's mitt can't have an orgy.
Or can he?