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Greg Bauch's Blog

Bachelor Recap: Dumping Women and Casting Them Off in a Lifeboat

If Costa Rica had the answers, the Caribbean island of Anguilla revealed those answers. Brad Womack continues to travel around the world with his girlfriends in an attempt find love. The only luggage he brought was his heart... and some clothes. There are six remaining contestants. This was a good episode because there was a ton of crying.

The next stop for the Bachelor mobile is Anguilla. Anguilla is nice but it does not have a Bass Pro. The girls check into their villa, which I believe is Spanish for 'Farm house'. There is no livestock, but the view is amazing. Ashley the dentist describes it perfectly by saying, "It's truly unbelievable."

Chris Harrison shows up to give them the low down. Brad gets three 1-on-1 dates (a Bachelor Record)  and then a group date. Two of the girls will be sent home to capitalize on their new fame with a career in local television commercials. The four remaining girls will each take Brad home to introduce him to their disapproving family. Harrison calls it, "a huge step in a relationship." It's so huge, in fact, that it's normally done sooner than 2 weeks before you get engaged.

Emily the gorgeous widow gets the first date. I make some coffee so I can stay awake through her dialogue. Brad and Emily ARE PICKED UP IN A HELICOPTER! Emily tells Brad that he does too much for their dates, as if he's responsible for taking 6 women to Anguilla and renting helicopters. They fly to a tiny island big enough for two people.

Emily does a great job of telling us how beautiful the view is and how much fun she is having. She's like a Teddy Ruxbin doll with three recorded messages. She says nothing, ever. I hope, when the cameras are off, she's the most interesting person in the world. I don't need her to philosophize about the origins of man or explain the left-wing lock, but I would like her to say something that does not pertain to her dead fiance or her immediate surroundings. 

She is stunning and, I guess, that's all Brad needs. He is actually nervous around her and Emily has turned the tables. As the date goes on, it's clear that Emily is deciding whether or not to keep Brad. She's just in a different league than the other women.

They have dinner on the beach with gallon-sized glasses of wine. Brad wants to know if he gets to meet her daughter if he visits her hometown and Emily doesn't answer. Although there is no rose on this date, Brad breaks the rules and tells Emily that she is getting a rose at the end of this episode. He stops short of proposing. I kind of hope Emily wins the gameshow because, if she doesn't, she's going to be the next Bachelorette and it will be the most boring season to date.

Dinner provides us with a classic Bachelor quote from Brad: "I have 5 other women back at the villa who I have pretty strong feelings for." It's the only part of their conversation that doesn't make me want to fight wolves.

The next day, Brad has a 1-on-1 date with the Funeral Director Shawntel. She's my favorite. They head into downtown Anguilla to play Dominoes with the locals and have a chat with a random, ancient woman named Aunte Bee. Aunte Bee gives them marriage advice. Aunte Bee is not clear whether this advice is strictly for Brad and Shawntel or if Brad can use it with one of his 5 other girlfriends.

Brad and Shawntel eat their dinner surrounded by baby goats. I'm assuming said goats smelled. Shawntel disappoints me by telling Brad she's falling in love with him. I thought she was better than that. She says it eight times to make sure the cameras are rolling.

After dinner, they get a private concert from the most famous musician in Anguilla, Banky Banks. ABC finally gets it right by inviting about 30 random strangers to attend the concert so it's not an awkward affair involving two people making out in front of a band. Brad and Swantel sneak away from the concert to make out in the ocean under the moonlight. I'm pretty sure that's the best time to get stung by a jelly fish, so you can imagine my disappointment when Shawntel doesn't get stung, forcing Brad to pee on her leg.

The next 1-on-1 date is for Brittknee who is far behind the other girls. Britt has not yet had a 1-on-1 date and hasn't advanced her fake romance with Brad as far as everyone else. Brad picks up Britt in a yacht. The boat is anchored about 4,000 feet from the shore and they have to swim out to it. Apparently, ABC can get all of the helicopters they want, but they can't afford the 60 bucks to rent a couple of wave runners so their Reality show contestants don't cramp up and die on the mile-long swim to a yacht.

Brad and Britt survive the swim and eventually park the yacht to jump off of a rock cliff. Again, the Bachelor has made it clear. If you want to fall in love with someone, you need to almost die in front of them. It reminds me of the exact moment I fell in love with my wife. We were chewing bullets in the middle of a Cobra pit.

Britt has hesitation about jumping off of the cliff. Brad encourages her from the water below. Britt decides, if I want to show Brad that I like him, I need to jump off of a cliff. Someone needs to get a hold of her to tell her that that's not how it works. Britt does eventually jump and manages to not die.

Britt is cute. She reminds me of a Disney Princess.

When they're done with extreme sports, Brad and Britt have an uncomfortable conversation. It's clear that Britt is trying to get noticed and that Brad is just sitting there and thinking about Emily. They have dinner on the yacht and this happens.

Brad: "Are you finished with dinner?"

Britt: "Yep."

Brad: "I don't see this going anywhere."

Yes, Brad dumps her four seconds after dinner is over, even though he is not instructed by ABC to dump anyone on this date. It leads to a hilarious scene of Brad lowering Britt down into a life boat so he doesn't have to spend the rest of the night in her company. I don't know where the life boat came from or where the guys driving the life boat came from. I imagine that Brad dumped her and then radioed into shore for an escort.

Britt takes the dumping well. She cries a little, but I think that's because she was dumped on TV, not because she had feelings for Brad.

Brad takes Chantal, Ashley and the Actress, Melissa out for a surprise date at three o'clock in the morning. There's plenty of scripted talk from Michelle because she was hired by ABC to be a contestant. The three girls are taking part in a photoshoot for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. It's a brilliant collaboration by S.I. and the Bachelor as the issue hits newsstands February 15th, the day after this episode airs. For those of you who don't know, the swimsuit Issue was quite relevant before the days of the internet. Now, if you want to see a girl in a swimsuit, you can see a girl in a swimsuit and my program director edited the crap out of this sentence.

The S.I. photographer is the creepiest person I have ever seen.  

There's high drama during the photo shoot as Chantal and Ashley both take their tops off. Michelle tops them by straddling Brad for a make-out session.
Michelle is pleased with her S.I. photoshoot. She says, "On a scale of 1-to-10 on how hot my photoshoot with Brad was, I would say, it was a '15'." I don't know if Michelle is mentally challenged, but she just set forth a numerated scale of judgment, and then overshot her scale by 150 percent. The number '15' is not between 1-and-10. It's an impossible judgment. If she wanted to call her photoshoot a '15' she should have set the scale from 1-to-15. I hate when people do this. You can't just set scales and then overshoot them. What's wrong with 10-out-of-10? It's the best possible answer. Why is this not good enough for people? On a scale of 1-to-10 on how mad this makes me, I would give it a '10'.

Ashley and Chantal spend the rest of the day crying and, you can tell, it's hard for Brad to keep from telling them to ignore Michelle because she was just planted by producers to get them to cry. Brad gives Ashley a rose because she cried the best. Chantal takes it well by threatening to leave the show.

There's still a half an hour left on the show, and Brad wants to cancel the cocktail party before the rose ceremony because he's sick of seeing women cry. He has a chat with everyone's favorite host, Chris Harrison. It's great time filler. Chris doesn't say, "Are you sure you want to cancel the cocktail party? He have some time to kill?"

ABC tells Brad that it's time to send Michelle home because they didn't want to pay a fake family of actors to be her family for a home date.

So, next week, Brad goes to the hometown of Shawntel, Chantal, Ashley and Emily. The week after that, he has sex with three of them and then dumps one girl. I'm hoping, no matter where they are, they're sent home in a lifeboat immediately after sex.

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Topics : Entertainment_CultureHuman Interest
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Locations : Caribbean
People : AshleyBrad WomackChantalChris HarrisonEmilyMelissa

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