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Bachelor Recap- Is there Anything You Want to Ask Me?

When I was ten, I pushed Tony Wagner off of his bike to impress my brothers. He fell and hit his head on the sidewalk. God noticed and paid me back last night with three hours of 'The Bachelor'. We took in all three hours of the finale at the Schopp house. I've never watched the Bachelor with people I wasn't married to. It should keep the screaming to a minimum.

Brad Womack has narrowed his Harem down to Emily and the one who doesn't win, Chantal. The three star-crossed lovers are in South Africa for a rose ceremony that will change everything you know about ceremonies.

Before we can get to the only thing anyone watching this show actually cares about, ABC needs to roll out some past footage for the portion of the Bachelor audience who either just woke up out of a coma or have no ability to retain memory. We finally find out the mystery behind Emily. Apparently, and I'm just learning this now, Emily's fiance died in a plane crash right after giving her a child which was later named Ricki. This is the big secret that Emily has been keeping this entire season. I threw a vase across the room.

After the memory montage, Brad stands on a South African mountain to think.
Brad says, "What a place to end this journey, Cape Town, South Africa. I really have always wanted to visit this city." I find it interesting that a guy with the vocabulary of a meal worm has a working knowledge of South African cities.

Brad's family is flown in to meet the two girls and help him make his decision. Brad thanks them a number of times for coming over from Texas. It must have been hard for them to receive a free trip to a country that Brad always wanted to visit from ABC. I'll bet they were all glad that they no longer had to endure hearing Brad go on and on about how bad he wanted to go to Cape Town, South Africa. Every night at dinner, Brad would yell things like, "I don't want these mash potatoes. I want to go to Cape Town, South Africa."

Brad cries for 40 minutes after welcoming his family. His Dad didn't make it. He's never around.

Brad tells his family that Chantal and Emily could not be more different. I disagree. One of them could be a 4-year old boy with vestigial wings.

When Brad is done crying, the two remaining contestants arrive at their Resort Suite. Chantal is first. Brad stops short of sending her back home right away. Chantal sums it up by saying, "Today is a crossroads for my relationship with Brad." For those who don't know, 'Crossroads' is a movie with Ralph Macchio where he is a blues guitar player and wins a bet with the Devil to save a Blues legend's soul. The Devil is Stevie Vai. I'm not certain what Chantal meant with her metaphor.

Brad's family loves Chantal and does a good job of disguising the fact that she's going home in 2 hours. Brad has two brothers, one is a twin. The twin appeared in Brad's last season of the Bachelor and, at that time, looked exactly like him. This was not the case last night. I didn't think an adult's appearance could change that much.

Brad's mom grills Chantal. Chantal assures Brad's mom that she has genuine fake feelings. She says that she loves doing the 'normal' stuff. You know, the normal stuff... like zip lining through the Brazilian Rain Forest, Camping out in a South African jungle amongst a 1,000 candles lit by ABC producers and having sex in a Fantasy Suite? These are the 'normal' things that my wife and I enjoy too.

Before Chantal leaves, she jokes with Brad about how he has to pick her. Brad says, "Easy" and shies away from eye contact. It's pretty clear we just watched 2nd place.

Emily shows up next to meet her new temporary family. Emily tells that camera, "The story of my daughter is bound to come up." Come up? That's all she ever talks about! She needs to go to the mall and have her story airbrushed onto a T-shirt.

Brad's brother accidentally brings up the dead fiance factor. Brad handled it well by saying, "Um, maybe another, um.. okay." That's an exact quote. Emily then tells the group about her pain. Then everyone cries for awhile. Brad's family really takes to Emily fast. Brad's mom crawls up into her lap and makes purring noises. His brothers start looking for work for Emily in Austin. Brad calls Chantal on her cell to dump her.

After the family meetings, Brad takes a minute to sit on his mountain to think.

The next day, Brad and Chantal have their last date. In keeping with the Bachelor spirit of True Love/ Risk Death, the couples get on a boat so they can swim with Great White Sharks. Chantal is a pro. She puts on a wet suit and keeps it zipped up halfway so Brad, and the rest of America, can see the goods. This sparks an hour and half debate in the room over whether or not the buoys are real. The debate is much more interesting than the program on television.

Chantal is smart. When in doubt, let those puppies breathe. When they're done playing with the sharks, they pop some bubbly on the boat. Brad aims the champagne cork into the ocean so as to choke a poor sea lion to death.

Emily and Brad get together the next day for their final date before becoming an engaged couple for 6-months. They're picked up in a helicopter (scream!) Emily starts giving Brad the third degree about becoming a father. It's really comfortable. Brad makes it clear he doesn't want to talk about real life and Emily continues to grill him. For the first time since ABC gave Emily her own soundtrack, the viewer is left with a doubt that Brad might not pick her to win the Gameshow.

With his dates behind him, Brad goes to pick out a ring. The girls talk to the camera about being scared that the guy who dates 20 women might not choose them. ABC makes it clear how serious the situation is by showing footage of the girls thinking in chairs and on piers.

Brad talks about his feelings set to footage of him putting on a shirt. The big moment arrives. Brad stands at the final ceremony spot while the limos arrive.

Chantal gets out first.

It's hardly a shock. Brad clearly was infatuated with Emily. He lets Chantal down gently by spending 12 minutes dumping her and interupting her every time she tries to talk. So, we get Chantal crying her eyes out, Brad explaining that he's not an awful person, Chantal trying to talk and then Brad asking her to listen to him. Finally, after forever, Brad walks Chantal back to the limo. She's devastated. Brad smooth's it over by opening the limo door and saying, "Is there anything you want to ask me?"

Then, Chantal sits in the limo with a camera guy and a producer and answers questions about her heart breaking. I feel bad until I realize that good people don't date guys on T.V. while guys are also dating 24 other women on T.V.

Emily drives up next. She's wearing a giant napkin. Brad is all shucks and proposes to her. Emily says, 'Yes'. I'm so sick of this show and there is still an hour long 'After the Final Rose' special to go.

I hate ABC so much. I want to get into a limo and cry into a camera, complaining about how much ABC has hurt me with their horrible television program. They're so unfair.

The 'After the Final Rose' show is taped in front of a bunch of women who nod approvingly whenever people are talking. Chantal is brought out first to cry with Chris Harrison. Then, they bring Brad out so Chantal can yell at him. When watching the show back, it becomes clear to Chantal that Brad was in love with Emily the whole time and that Brad only kept her around so he could pet the puppies in the South African outback. It's dramatic.

Emily comes out next. It is revealed that Brad and Emily canceled plans for a televised wedding and even broke up at one point. (gasp)

Emily tells America that Brad has a temper. I call Vegas to throw down some duckets on a domestic. The young lovers (by the way, Brad is 38 and Emily is 24) make with the kissy faces and assure America that they are going to be together forever. The audience nods approvingly.

I have reached the point where I'm ready to punch down trees and there is still a half-hour to go. ABC brings out the only 3 past Bachelor couples who have managed to pretend like they still don't hate each other; Trista and Ryan, Jason and something, and Ali and Roberto. These winners give Emily and Brad advice. I take a moment to hope that parents across the nation have covered the ears of their children.

I just can't stand these people. One of them tells Brad and Emily not to read blogs. It's all I can take. I mentally turn off the television and think about Chantal's boat wear.

ABC reveals the next Bachelorette on the Jimmy Kimmel show. I like Jimmy Kimmel, but I've dedicated 3-hours to this crap. Luckily, there's Google. The next Bachelorette is (edit) Ashley, the perky dentist. The show starts in May. I hate all of you.

Tags :  
Topics : Human Interest
Locations : AustinCape TownTexas
People : AliBrad WomackChantalChris HarrisonEmilyJimmy KimmelRalph MacchioRobertoRyanStevie VaiTony WagnerTrista

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