Last night’s episode of the Bachelor was very much like the Final Four in College basketball. It wasn’t at all like the Final Four in College Basketball, but this blog is not about Terry Pegula so people are turning away in droves and I’m just doing my best to keep a couple of extra readers.
Brad Womack has narrowed his search for a temporary wife down to 3 women and Emily from Charlotte. Making it to the final four contestants in the Bachelor is very important because it gives the women a chance to drag their families into their undying lust for the spotlight.
Brad will visit the hometowns of Emily, Shawntel, Chantal and Ashley in an attempt to further find out nothing about them because people can’t be themselves when 8 different cameras capture their every movement to be broadcast to millions of homes in America. (Editor’s note- other countries watch the Bachelor too.)
Because ABC is incapable of filling a two hour show, for the first ten minutes, Brad gets dressed and then stands on a balcony of a New York hotel to think about his four girlfriends. Then they fill 10 minutes with footage of the season that we have already seen a dozen times.
Brad’s first trip is to Seattle to visit Chantal. Chantal is very good at crying and then wiping away her tears without smearing her mascara. She is also ridiculously wealthy. Chantal lives alone in a house that made my wife make a noise. There, Brad meets her two cats and robot dog. Chantal has a tiny dog that Chantal still managed to cram into a shirt that was much too small for it.
When they’re done drinking beer and petting Chantal’s robot dog, they head over to her parents mansion. It’s a disgustingly beautiful house. My wife makes a louder noise.
Chantal’s dad is the exact same person as Brad and they get along. They share a nice talk in front of a 50 foot bronze statue located in an atrium. I can’t see their feet, but I can only assume that there are one thousand dollar bills lying all over the floor.
Chantal’s mom is hot. She looks young enough to be Chantal’s sister. I think the bad part about being ridiculously wealthy is that people automatically assume, if you’re attractive, you’ve had a bucket load of plastic surgery. Well, Chantal’s mom has had expensive plastic surgery… and she seems “into” Brad. Just saying. Chantal’s dad tells Brad that he can may his daughter.
If I were Brad, I would choo-choo-choose Chantal, marry her, and then count the dies until her parents die and I can inherit that house.
After hugging Chantal’s mom, Brad flies to Maine to visit Ashley. They’re in the northernmost part of the United States. They eat French Fries and gravy with their fingers at a restaurant. This show is 2-hours long. On the way home, they buy the two lobsters that ate Cleveland. I guess Maine has big lobsters.
Meanwhile, ABC producers give Ashley and her family a case of Red Bull and LSD. They are the most cheerful and annoying family in Bachelor history. (Except for the ones that had that funeral for the dead pigeon) I can’t understand much of the dialogue over the next twenty minutes because everyone squeals and talks at once. Luckily, my wife fell asleep and I fast forward to the next date.
Shawntel gets totally screwed over by ABC. They make her take Brad to her Funeral home. She shows Brad cremation chambers and embalming tools. It’s both creepy and boring. Brad is obviously uncomfortable. Then, she takes him home so he can watch Shawntel break her father’s heart by announcing that she’s not going to continue the family business so she can move away to marry a guy she met on TV three weeks ago. It’s both creep and boring.
Before Brad flies out to Charlotte to see Emily, ABC shows teaser footage of Emily’s daughter, Ricky, ignoring Brad and acting stand-offish. Then, they show the actual date where Ricky plays with Brad and gives him gifts. This is classic Bachelor misdirection. It’s like they show you footage going into the commercial of a family being eaten by a bear, then you watch the segment and it turns out the bear is just liking raspberry jam off of the families’ faces.
This entire date is just Brad and Emily playing with her daughter. For the first time, to me, Emily comes across as human and interesting. There’s a nice tender moment at the end of the night where they put Ricky down to bed. Brad says goodnight and then Emily gives her a kiss and says, “Goodnight”. They show Ricky hug her stuffed animal and then roll over to fall asleep. It’s a nice tender moment until you realize a mother just turned out the lights and closed to the door to leave her daughter alone in her room with a camera guy and a boom mic guy so they can capture a sleeping 4-year old on film in the dark.
How long did they stay in there? Are there 8-hours of ‘sleeping Ricky’ footage somewhere on the cutting room floor? Did Ricky wake up in the middle of the night to get a cup of water and then scream because there were teamsters squatted in her closet with cameras? Will Ricky need therapy?
There’s still twenty minutes left and Chris Harrison interviews Brad so they can roll out the footage of everything I just watched.
Then, Brad sends home Shawntel. She actually thanks Brad and tells him he’s a great guy. Now, thanks to being on TV, this amazingly hot, single woman gets to go back to the small town of Chico where every psychopath stalker in the country now knows exactly where she works. I’m sure the rest of her life should be fun.
This episode was okay but I can’t tell how Brad feels about the girls because he didn’t base-jump off of the Space needle with any of them.