I know you guys have been messing around on these recaps all season but that bleep ends now. We’re in serious mode. There are only 3 more episodes of the Bachelorette before Arie wins and this week is the ‘hometown dates’ episode.
Emily Maynard has narrowed down her second televised search for love down to 4 guys, Arie (wins the show), Psycho Chris (psycho), Jef with 1 ‘f’ (spells his first name wrong) and Giant religious Sean (the funnest and funniest person on Earth… you’ll see this episode…AND STUPID COMPUTER! ‘FUNNEST’ IS A WORD! SEAN’S THE SUPER FUNNEST! I HATE THIS COMPUTER!!)
Sorry, I kind of got off track there. Emily will visit the hometowns of these 4 dudes and have an awkward confrontation with their families. Everyone is basically in love at this point so the word ‘love’ is treated like a whore in a shanty town. (I think I need to get my blood pressure checked.)
We begin with the exploitation of a 6-year old girl. Emily heads home to spend 15-seconds with the daughter who is always in the back of her mind. Emily has been gone for so long that Ricki now has cornrows.
Ricki hung ‘Welcome Home’ signs around the house for her Mom and they were obviously too detailed to be made by the hand of a 6-year old. I’m guessing some poor Bachelorette intern had to spend 2 hours gluing glitter onto cardboard for a 12-frame heartfelt moment.
Emily talks to Ricki. Ricki is mic’d up for the segment and that’s creepy to me. As the happy family sits on the couch, ABC rolls out 7 minutes of footage from this season that we’ve already seen. Producers are scrambling for footage. It’s so much more exciting when the Bachelorette dates 25 guys instead of 4.
Emily puts Ricki to bed. For the second time since she joined the world of reality television, Emily says goodnight to her daughter, turns off the lights and closes Ricki’s bedroom door. We know this because a camera shows us the entire sequence, meaning 2-to-3 sweaty Teamsters holding cameras and boom mics are in the room with Ricki after her mother turns off the lights and closes her bedroom door. ABC had better pay for Ricki’s therapy.
After she puts her daughter to bed, another camera shows Emily check her front window for prowlers, lock the front door and turn off all of the lights. This same woman just left a production crew in her daughter’s bedroom. What difference does it make if someone breaks into her house at this point?
We’re done terrorizing 6-year olds and ready for hometown fun. Emily heads to Chicago to meet up with Pyscho Chris. Chris is a weird combination of nerdy and stabby. He will punch a family member if they don’t behave perfect for Emily.
Emily sneaks up on Chris in the streets of Chicago. There’s no way he didn’t know she was coming. Psycho Chris is so high strung, if you snuck up on him in the street, he’d whip out a bowie knife. I picture the Producers making them do the ‘sneak-up’ scene over and over until Chris gets the surprised look just right.
We’re 8-minutes into the week and Emily has already said “I’m so excited” 100 times. She’s flirting with history… and 4 guys. Chris thinks that he and Emily would have a perfect life in Chicago and that is clear in the 4 minutes they walk around. Chris is explaining his heritage to Emily. His Dad is from Poland and his entire family speaks Polish. Chris wins me over with an award winning quote about his family.
“On a scale of 1-to-Polish… we’re Polish.”
How many numbers are in between 1-and-Polish? Thousands? Is it like, 1-2-3-Polish? I need to get to Chicago one of these days to find out. I’ll bet my wife and I would have a perfect life there.
They go to a Polish Chicago bar that is completely empty so they can drink giant beers and have awkward conversation. Chris is acting less like a psycho because he doesn’t have the other guys around. He is still shaking a lot because he’s nervous and I feel like I could possibly be stabbed by Chris even though this show is taped and I’m in Buffalo. I do feel like Chicago would be the perfect place for Chris to stab me.
They head to Chris’s parents’ house to eat an uncomfortable dinner in front of America. His family is really nice. They don’t exactly come across as comfortable on camera and that makes me like them more. Chris’s immigrant father has a 1-on-1 chat with Emily and she confides that she has feelings for Chris. Chris’s Dad than blabs to Chris that Emily is infatuated with him. It’s a giant ‘false hope’ bomb. He’s going to stab his Dad after watching this episode.
Chris’s sister pulls Emily aside to ask her to dump her brother so she doesn’t break his heart. Then Emily and Chris make out in the driveway so he can tell her he loves her while he shakes uncontrollably. ABC shows us a full moon in the sky. They always show us full moons. There is, like, a 1-in-30 chance you get a full moon. They must just roll out stock ‘full moon’ footage for Bachelorette episodes. What’s wrong with crescent moons? They’re just as romantic.
There’s a Polish party after the make out session.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ gets the next hometown date. He lives in Utah. Jef with 1 ‘f’ takes her to a Ranch to shoot rifles and ride all-terrain vehicles. He’s wearing skinny jeans which offset the ATV quite nicely. You really get a sense of how badass Jef with 1 ‘f’ is when he wields a weapon. It’s a pretty stupid segment of television.
Then, they sit on a bale of hay to talk. Jef with 1 ‘f’ tells Emily that his parents won’t be around. He lies that they’re in South Carolina doing charity work. I am not kidding when I tell you that the phrase “doing charity work” is completely dubbed over in post-production. I you tape the show, fast forward to the 41-minute mark. It’s dubbed. I’m guessing his parents aren’t thrilled with the idea of their single-consonant son dating a girl who’s dating a bunch of other guys on TV.
Emily, Jef with 1 ‘f’ and his family eat dinner outside. It’s quite boring and there’s a ton of talking. Emily gets interviewed by Jef with 1 ‘f’s brothers and sisters. It turns out that they’re perfect for each other… and they’re not even in Chicago.
On a side note, Jef with 1 ‘f’ has to be the only guy in Utah with that hair. He must be easy to spot in the street. Jef with 1 ‘f’ takes Emily to a Utah mountain so he can read her a note on TV and he’s holding, like, 12 pages and he won’t stop talking and this guy isn’t even Arie so he’s not going to win and it’s uncomfortable and I hate this show. Then, they make out.
Arie, the eventual winner, gets the next hometown date. Emily meets him on a race track because he’s a race car driver and they drive in his really fast Indy race car. Can you imagine how dramatic the music would have been if they crashed? ABC would have had to bust out a piano that oozed blood and tears.
When they’re done risking their lives (BTW, no one even mentions that Emily’s kid’s dead father was a race car driver!!! I guess that’s all in the past.) Emily and Arie throw a blanket down in a park so ABC can show us their b-roll footage of ducks. They drink wine and talk and I’m bored. Then, they make out.
They pull up to Arie’s house which looks just like the Bachelor mansion. ABC would never pick a contestant who lived in a trailer. (They came close with Vienna) Arie’s Dad won the 1990 and 1997 Indianapolis 500. (sports quota filled)
His family speaks in Dutch or Netherlandishness. Emily doesn’t know what’s going on and neither do I and I’m bored. There’s dramatic ‘Dutch-speak’ music. Arie’s Mom breaks the ice by bringing Emily into a bedroom to speak in broken English. Arie’s Mom watches the Bachelor and couldn’t believe Brad Womack dumped her. They make nice and they love each other so Arie can still win the Game show.
There’s some more full moon footage and then they make out in the drive way for 38 seconds.
Giant religious Sean gets the….giant religious….. Sean……. I’m sorry. I know you can’t tell but I’m laughing while I’m typing because Sean is just crazy. Holy cow! He’s so funny. I can’t even stand it. Any way Emily flies to Dallas to meet up with the hilarious Sean. He has giant dogs and shoulders and his dogs have giant shoulders.
They sit on a blanket in the park and make out (Wait ‘til Arie sees this! That’s his move!) They also pick flowers and drink wine. Do women like that? Because I’ve never done that. The camera guy is very good at super-zooming in when the making-out starts. He must have gone to school for that. They didn’t offer that course at Buffalo State. No wonder it’s a Division III school.
Sean takes…… Sean…. Sorry…. (Laughing again). Sean brings Emily home and he plays a prank on her. Sean tells Emily that he still lives at home and he shows her his room and it’s a big mess and Emily is super freaking out and the music is the kind of music you play at a funeral and Sean is just kidding and he tells her he’s just kidding and his family laughs AND EMILY LAUGHS AND SEAN LAUGHS AND WE ALL LAUGH FOR HOURS AND I’LL NEVER STOP LAUGHING AND THIS IS PERFECT AND THEY’RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER AND IT’S NOT EVEN CHICAGO!
I hate this show.
Emily talks to Sean’s family. They’re perfect and she’s perfect. They all love each other so nothing could ever go wrong in a relationship formed on camera in front of millions of people.
Sean tells his Dad that Emily has changed his outlook on marriage “a little bit”. Then, his Dad says, “Really” and Sean says, “Actually… a lot a bit.”
They make out in the driveway. There is slurping. There is a ton of slurping. Emily drives off and Sean runs after Emily’s truck to stop her for more making out.
Chris Harrison sits down with Emily to recap everything we just saw and I fast forward. I do notice Harrison giving the ‘serious look’ reaction of his life.
The Rose Ceremony is next and I’m not sure who is going home. Psycho Chris is shaking like Carnival ride. Emily dumps him. I literally hide behind my couch out of fear of being stabbed. Emily takes Chris outside and he yells at her for dumping him. He does not hit her. I pictured animal trainers off camera waiting to taze him if things got out of control. Chris manages to not cry in the limo and that’s amazing.
While the credits roll… we see more hilarious joke footage from Sean’s family. THEY ACTED LIKE THEY WERE GOING TO SERVE EMILY ARMADILLO FOR DINNER AND SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE’S JUST GONNA DIE AND THEN THEY TELL HER THEY’RE KIDDING AND THEY ALL LAUGH AND, GUYS! I’M NOT EVEN DONE LAUGHING FROM THE FIRST JOKE AND NOW MY EYES ARE BLEEDING AND I CAN’T BREATHE AND IT’S ALL JUST SO FUNNY! Seriously though, Sean is Cray-cray.
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