I don't like the Atlanta Falcons. I'd go for something stronger here like I hate the Atlanta Falcons but really, isn't there already enough hate in the world right now?
Besides, to say I hate the Atlanta Falcons would imply that in some way they have ever mattered to my life or existence as a sports fan. Neither of those things are even close to remotely true. Hate for a team has to borne out of something, I don't know, visceral maybe? I'm not that sure but I know any amount of time I've spent over the years saying I hate the Falcons has at least been slightly misguided because as I sit down to write this I'm realizing it isn't hate at all.
New England. Now there's a warehouse full of stuff to hate there. They're great, in the same division as our team, they've been caught cheating, Brady, Ugg boots, supermodels. It's all there. Hate away.
The Falcons on the other hand barely matter. Sure they've been in the league a long time. If I cared enough about them I'd look up when they joined the NFL but I don't so tough luck. Look it up yourself if you care so much about the stupid Falcons. I know, they made it to that one Super Bowl back in the late 90's. You know what I remember most about that Super Bowl? That one of their safeties won some NFL Man Of The Year award or something and the night of the ceremony, which I believe was also the night before the game, got caught picking up a prostitute. Again, if you want to pin all this down look elsewhere. I don't care enough about the stupid Falcons to do it.
The Falcons were cool for a little while when Michael Vick was their quarterback and the football people were all freaking out because he didn't play the position the right way or something. That made me want to root for Vick and thus the Falcons. But then it was discovered that Vick was torturing dogs as part of a dog fighting operation and he went to prison. That pretty much took care of rooting for Vick ever again.
So now the stupid Falcons are in the Super Bowl and they're playing the Patriots who I, and most right thinking humans, love to hate. What do I do now? Please, you don't have to tell me how good the Falcons are because you have Julio Jones or one of their running backs on your fantasy team. I know they're good. Maybe even great. I don't care. I can't care. In an ever changing world I need to cling to whatever I know and I know this.
The Atlanta Falcons have never mattered to me in any way shape or form and their making the Super Bowl isn't about to change that.
Did I mention that the Falcons beating Green Bay cost me 150 units in a bet with my co-host? Hmm, must've slipped my mind. If you'll excuse me I've got to hit an ATM on my way to the studio.