In case you haven’t figured it out, this is going to be a long season of the Bachelorette. If you’re watching the show, you know what I’m talking about. If you’re just sifting through my recaps and looking for swear words, you’re in for a disappointing couple of months. ABC chose a very beautiful woman to be their Game Show Prize. Unfortunately, she will never do or say anything interesting. She is a desert.
I did a word search on past Bachelor/Bachelorette blogs involving Emily Maynard to see how many times I’ve used the word ‘vapid’. It turns out that I’ve used that word to describe her 17 times. I have to be better than that so, what I’ve done is, I opened a Thesaurus and I’ve typed a bunch of words with similar meaning to ‘vapid’ and I will paste it to each recap. This way, I can just copy one into my text and keep rolling:
insipid, uninspired, colorless, uninteresting, feeble, flat, dull, boring, tedious, tired, unexciting, hot (slipped that one in there to see who was paying attention), lifeless, vacuous, bland, trite, jejune (probably will never use jejune in a sentence).
Feel free to cut and paste that onto your desktop in case you ever find yourself dating Emily.
These recaps already kind of sucked because I’m recapping filth. Now, with Emily, they will suck more. She makes me miss Ashley H. I can’t believe anyone on Earth could make me miss Ashley H.
When we last left Emily she narrowed her second search for televised true love down to 15 men. These men have been mathematically grouped by personality tests to disagree and argue. Normally, I would complain but I need the content.
Emily will go on three dates this week; two 1-on-1 dates and a group date with Muppets.
The first date belongs to Ryan, the personal trainer. He’s a World Champion Turd. I’m convinced this guy didn’t come from a Mother. He was spawned and farmed like Matrix Babies in a giant Electromagnetic farm on the post-apocalyptic Earth. No human being with feelings and a soul could have created this beast of hair and beer commercial clichés.
To show how down to Earth this uninteresting woman is, ABC had Emily and Joe bake cookies for her daughter and talk about nothing because neither of them has ever had a single meaningful life experience to draw upon. After that, they get dressed up for an awkward 2-person concert from an artist I am not familiar with. Ryan got a rose. Unfortunately, a thorn did not prick his skin so we could not see if blood flowed through his veins or a viscous saline chemical that lubricates the gears responsible for operating his robot frame.
The group date is next because Disney owns ABC and the Muppets and Muppet DVD sales are down so the Bachelorette is going to talk to Muppets and I fast forwarded through the whole thing.
Joe gets the next 1-on-1 date. Emily is excited and nervous. She tells you that. She says, “I’m excited and nervous”. Go ahead and watch the episode on-line if you don’t believe me. I’ll wait here. This woman will just say whatever is on the top of her mind with no fear of repercussion. She’s a powder keg of controversy. She’s like John Lennon.
Before they leave, Emily says, "There's a good chance we're going to have fun". Emily takes Joe and his hair on a plane ride to West Virginia, her hometown. Nothing says ‘romantic evening’ like a plane ride to the most terrifying state in the Union. The happy couple switches from a personal plane to a Rolls Royce and then hops out to take in a Hotel that Emily and her family used to frequent. It’s luxurious and has a 100-year old pool and super disgusting wall paper and carpets. I didn’t get up close to the television but I’m certain I would have detected the smell of old people.
Emily and Joe talk about how excited they are to be there and how great it is to have a chance to get to know each other. Then, they jump into a pool with over one hundred years of urine particles fused to the tiles. It gives us a chance to see Emily in a bikini. It’s the only club in this season’s bag and they are going to play the crap out of it. It’ll be like Roy McAvoy qualifying for the U.S. Open with his 7-iron. (Fictitious Sports Quota filled) When they’re done with useless swimming they sit down for a useless dinner. They get up from dinner to stuff notes into a clock. I did not make that up. Emily talks to the camera and I hear nothing. Listening to this bland woman talk is like listening to a child hit the same piano key, over and over. Emily asks Joe if he wants kids and he doesn’t scream ‘yes’ so she dumps him. You get one chance on the Bachelorette and this guy blew it. In real life, you might have a walk to the car to try and redeem yourself but the cameras are rolling and, if you really want to find true love, you had better be perfect in every way at all moments.
One blip of encouragement on the radar could be this whole dumping thing. No Bachelor or Bachelorette really did this without guilt (except Brad Womack) but Emily is a knot of nerves when she has to dump. There is great potential for melt downs. I’m excited for the first time. Joe thanked Emily for dumping him. There is a fireworks show after the dumping. I guess ABC paid for the fireworks and those puppies were going off whether Joe got a rose or not.
Back at the mansion, Kalon and Doug have a verbal jabfest. Kalon mentions Doug’s 6 kids and how he’s here and not raising them and Doug flips out and yells at Kalon. Doug keeps asking Kalon threatening questions and then, when Kalon tries to answer them to explain, Doug tells him to shut up. It was a pointless encounter and probably replaced a really nice memory I had of a family vacation.
ABC jumps back to Emily’s gigantic house to exploit her daughter for ratings. Emily, Ricky and Emily’s Mom are in the bathroom doing hair or something and they probably could have just aired a Papa John’s commercial instead and no one would have complained.
The day after dumping a guy, the group gets together to dress up, drink and collect roses. Party MC Stevie gives Rich Guy Kalon dirty looks and outwardly tells Kalon that he doesn’t like him. Party MC Stevie does not punch Kalon despite the significant amount of alcohol running through his veins. There has to be a bunch of producers watching their interaction in the next room saying, “I don’t get it. Why isn’t anyone punching Kalon? We went through great lengths to plant this super-villain of awful and no one is punching him. Didn’t we pay him to be smarmier? I thought he’d be smarmier. People are going to start flipping over to American Ninja Warrior right now. We need, at the very least, some shoving!”
Everyone hates Kalon. Wolf talks about him and, for the second straight week, the quote of the week goes to Wolf:
"I have a rule. If you have Louis Vuitton luggage, and you're a guy, you're a BLEEP!"
It's a good rule. I'm pretty sure that's one of the commandments. I have my own rule. If you know who Louis Vuitton is, you're not allowed to ever say anything bad to another person about their 'Louis Vuitton' related qualities.
Ryan, my new leader in the hate department, steals away Emily to spend some more time with her and hand her a 24-page love note. Some gnomely dude (‘GNOMELY’ IS A WORD STUPID COMPUTER!!!) named Tony tries to barge in on their conversation but gets caught having to stand there with a glass of wine in his hand and listen to the entire 4-hour reading of this note by Emily who couldn’t just say, “I’ll read it later”. I guess it was worth it because Gnomely got a rose. Most of them did.
Emily sent home a Biology teacher with hipster glasses and a dude I had not yet noticed existed. We’ll call him Roy. Two hours and we only got rid of three people. This is the worst summer ever. It’s like the summer I got a ‘12’ on my Course 1 Algebra test and had to go to summer school. There was a park outside the window and I had to watch kids play baseball. I have yet to use Course 1 Algebra in my career as an AM radio board op. On the bright side, those baseball kids are probably all addicted to drugs by now.
Side note on the bizarreness of the Rose Ceremony: You will often notice certain guys getting a rose and then their friends pat them on the back and celebrate the fact that they’re staying for another week. These guys high-five other guys who are dating their girlfriend, “Hey, Chazem of whatever the hell your name is, I’m so glad you’re still here to put your hands all over my woman! Let’s fist bump!”
During the credits, Kermit and Emily sold more DVD’s and Blu Rays by talking. I wonder if the puppeteer was tempted to fake like Kermit had to sneeze and then jam his hand forward for a ‘leaner’.