I uttered that exact expletive on Monday. I spent my Memorial Day drinking beer in a chair half submerged in Cazenovia Creek (pronounced ‘crick’). It was the greatest day of my life, until I realized that crap doesn’t take a holiday. It was a Bachelor recap night. Nothing destroys your good time like that sobering realization.
Emily Maynard is back for another series of pointless dates that will eventually lead to a 4-week engagement. She has 16-or-so boyfriends remaining, so there’s a lot of action to cover. There will be some building repelling in this recap. It might be a good idea to put the kids to bed if you plan to read this out loud.
Chris Harrison said something very important in the beginning of the season. He said that, “There are no rules”. And it’s true. This show has absolutely no rules. It’s like this show is Ireland and rules are snakes and Chris Harrison is Saint Patrick, only, instead of praying, he gives adulterers keys to rooms so they can have sex with their many boyfriends or girlfriends.
Emily will go on 3 dates with her boyfriends this week, just like a normal single mom. There will be a pair of 1-on-1 dates and a group date. Please keep in mind that there are no rules. Forget everything you know about an Earth with rules because this show doesn’t care about your science. I’ve had a lot of sun today.
The show begins with Emily exploiting a daughter who bears the name of a dead father on camera for 3 pointless ‘set-up’ seconds. Emily is a single Mom, by the way. Not that this means anything on a show with no rules.
She hurries over to a Charlotte mansion to pick up her boyfriend Chris for the first 1-on-1 date. I have no idea who Chris is. Emily mentions how nervous and excited she is for the date, but she can’t decide whether she’s more nervous or more excited. We’re only 2 minutes in and already there is huge drama. My wife and I shake 30 aspirin into our hands in case this pace continues.
They go for a walk down a street and stop at a building. Bachelorette producers throw down ropes so they can repel the building and eat dinner on the roof. It’s super romantic, especially how the happy couple has to stand there for an hour as some dude straps a bunch of safety equipment to their bodies.
As contractually obligated, Chris makes the comparison of climbing a building to falling in love. It starts to thunder as they climb. The music lets everyone watching know that this is serious and people might die. There are no rules. Emily talks about how comfortable she is to be climbing a building with Chris. So far, this date has done more damage to my brain than a day in the sun.
They eat on the roof because that is what people on this show do. Emily is really into Chris and Chris is really into Emily and it’s cute and annoying. She does freak out that Chris is one year younger than her. There’s nervous music and I get nervous. They eat on T.V.
When dinner is done they head back down to the street for a private concert from a Country Artist. Said Country Artist rhymes ‘boom boom’ with ‘Mmm Hmm’ and I punch a hole in some drywall. A Street in downtown Charlotte is shut down for this awkward concert. Emily and Chris make out in front of the band to make the gridlock worthwhile.
Back at the mansion, producers fabricate a plot by having the gnome guy Tony call his 5-year old son at home because he misses him. It’s a weird tangent. I didn’t know it at the time, but ABC is so starved for material that they hammer us over the head with this sidebar.
Next is the group date. A bunch of guys go to the park so they can take turns staring at Emily’s chest. Emily hands them a football and a soccer ball and then leaves for an hour. (true story. Please keep in mind that there are no rules) Emily’s friends just happened to be in the park wearing high-definition make-up and microphones. She asks them to interview the group of dudes to see if they’d be good husband-fathers-breeders.
The interviews are weird. This one blonde friend basically tries to have sex with all of Emily’s boyfriends. She tells them to take their shirts off, do push-ups and climbs all over them. I’m sure her husband will enjoy watching this back and then explaining to his kids how important this show is. The questions are all about being a father. Emily has become a horse breeder. I’m surprised she doesn’t get up to look inside of the guys' mouths.
When they’re done answering stupid questions, Emily blows a whistle and a bunch of kids come running into the park to test how well the guys interact. It’s the creepiest moment in Bachelorette history. A fricking van door actually opens up and random kids jump out to play with mic’d up strangers. Who owns these children? Who lets their little boy or girl play with random ab-ridden egomaniacs?
Later that night, the group goes to a bar to get drunk. It’s amazing how the producers get every locale to look exactly the same. They all have a pool and fern-adorned gazeboes for sharing secrets. I can’t believe my computer let me get away with ‘fern-adorned gazeboes’ without a red squiggly line!
Tony spends the cocktail hour crying about the son he abandoned and calls his child in front of a camera. My bet is that Tony has figured out that he isn’t going to win so he’s going with the ‘miss my kid’ angle so he can still go out a winner and roll through some Oregon lumberjack hoochies. It’s, like, Season 18 of this show and my computer still hasn’t recognized ‘hoochies’ as a word.
Emily went through the same ordeal and demonstrates how much she understands what Tony is going through by dumping him on National Television. She politely tells him to stop being a drag on her princess party and sends him home to his son. It’s dramatic. ABC plays some touching ‘dump the sad Dad’ music. There should be a rule against dumping a Dad for being said but…sadly...... no rules....
Doug, the other Father dude who is super into being a Father, does not leave the show to go back to his kids. Emily gives the rose to a giant Christian guy named Sean who her friend previously tried to climb. On a side note, Bachelorette producers are starting to paint personal trainer Ryan guy as a villain. This show is very much like Pro Wrestling.
Arie gets the third 1-on-1 date. He’s a race car driver which is super dramatic because Emily’s dead ex used to race cars and I really need some rules to be laid down on this show because things just are sliding off of the rails. They get on a private jet to fly to Tennessee because that is what a young couple does to get to know one another. The words ‘excited’ and ‘nervous’ gets thrown around.
When they land, they head over to Dollywood because ABC must have a piece of it. Why does Dolly Parton need a theme park? Should other artists follow suit? Am I going to one day pack up the kids and head to Six Black Flags? (I wrote out 48 different park names and they were all terrible. I fell on Six Black Flags as my favorite. I also liked C-world C-world Music Factory and Bush Gardens. Please keep in mind that I am sunburned, a little delirious and that there are no rules.)
Arie and Emily have Dollywood to themselves so they play games and ride a Roller Coaster. I’m not sure if ABC had the park shut down or if it’s just a normal slow day at Dollywood. In the middle of their fun, the real Dolly Parton shows up and there is just a lot of Dolly Parton singing songs she apparently wrote for this episode of the Bachelor and there’s awkward dancing and then another song and it’s been 11 minutes and Dolly Parton is not done singing and then, when she’s finally done, she sits down alone with Emily to talk and I thought this was a date and not a commercial for Dolly Parton.
I’m man enough to admit that I learned a ton about love and life from Dolly Parton’s heartfelt conversation with Emily. I feel bad about punching a hole in that drywall. I need to learn to love more. I love everyone reading this. Holy crap, Dolly Parton is singing again and this pointless date has taken a half-hour of my life away.
When they’re done learning about life from Dolly Parton, Arie and Emily sit down for a romantic dinner in a barn. Emily is super into Arie but she pretends like she isn’t giving him a rose. It’s the first time she’s ever made a joke. It’s almost interesting. Then, they make out. Emily compares Arie to her dead boyfriend. There are no rules.
Arie says, “Emily has exceeded my expectations by 1000%”.
First off, that’s impossible. There is no such thing as 1000%. But, even if there were such thing, that would mean he expected her to be awful. If Emily were 1000% more dreadful, why would Arie have agreed to go out on a date with her? She would have to have been a Gollum to be 1000% less of a woman than the one he took to Dollywood.
The cocktail party is next. ABC first allows their planted character to show America why he’s been manufactured to absorb their hate. Kalon, the rich fake contestant, sits down with Emily for a scripted conversation. Kalon cuts Emily off a bunch of times and acts like a jerk. The same woman who just dumped a guy for missing his son does not instantly dump Kalon for acting like a big jerk. This show is awful. Who falls for this?
Next, some guy who has an egg (how has this not made my recaps yet???) breaks his egg to show that his egg is not his identity. I’m so tired. I have no idea what just happened. They smashed an egg. What the hell do you want from me? The egg’s name was ‘Shelly’. If you read this far down, I love you. I didn’t need Dolly Parton to show me that.
Wolf didn’t talk a lot this season and it’s disappointing. Wolf has been a quote machine so far this season. He’s like a modern day slutty Walt Whitman.
Emily talks with some guy named Alessandro and he straight up tells her how hassled he’d be by kids. Emily cries and dumps him, pre-Rose Ceremony. She’s a dumping machine. Then, she cries some more and makes out with two different guys. Some of the other guys talk about how they’re not comfortable watching her make out with other guys. They must not have heard the Dolly Parton speech.
The super-built Chris guy all but tells Emily that he loves her and loves her daughter who he hasn’t met and he’s been on one date with her and I hate this show.
The Rose Ceremony is next. I swear to God that they brought it three more contestants and snuck them on the set for the Rose Ceremony. I feel like I haven’t seen half of these guys. With the previous dumpings, there’s only one guy going home. It’s Party MC Stevie. I’m sad to see him go. He was gonna punch Kalon.
After the Rose Ceremony, Dolly Parton comes out and sings 8 more songs and solves all of my problems with her wisdom.