Holy Cow! Someone better stack some sandbags around the drama-meter ‘cause that sucker is about to blow! (Please be advised that we have already maximized the exclamation point usage for one blog in the first paragraph. We’ve essentially fouled out in the first quarter. This is serious.)
The preview for tonight’s Bachelorette episode promises a butt-ton of drama. There will be heated arguments, fights, and someone gets stabbed in the face with a fireplace poker… probably. Look, you can’t rule it out. We’re talking about drama.
Emily Maynard is bringing her collection of J. Crew models to Bermuda to find love. That’s not to say that the love they seek is in Bermuda. The love would already exist between her and one of her 16 boyfriends. They’re just going to Bermuda to see if there’s love. The love is universal. It exists everywhere. It’s not a product of Bermuda. It’s like the Force. There is now no single person left reading this blog. I’ve lost you all trying to explain love. I’m going to sneak an ‘F’ word down in paragraph 12.
Chris Harrison lays down the situation. There will be a 1-on-1 date this episode, a group date and a dreaded 2-on-1 date where one of the guys gets dumped during dinner. It’s a Bachelor/Bachelorette staple.
We open the episode with further exploitation of Emily’s daughter. She takes Ricki to Bermuda to make sure cameras can capture her being a good mother. They fly kites. Emily says, “When I’m on a date, Ricki is always on the back of my mind”. It will be gross to remember that when she’s making out with 4 guys in the span of 3 minutes.
The guys drive up to their Bermuda Hotel on mopeds while Bachelorette producers layer the scene with soft-core guitar rock. It’s the opposite of effect desired. One of the guys yells out, “Hello Bermuda”. Doug, the Dad, gets the 1-on-1 date. Doug is intense and will tell you to ‘Shut it’ if you’re out of line. The guys all tease Doug the Dad because he acts nervous about the prospect of being sent home on his date. He handles it well by threatening violence.
Emily comes to pick him up moments before he got super punchy. She says, “I walked into the room and there was a lot of tension”. Maybe that’s because you’re dating 16 guys.
Emily says that she and Doug get each other. Here is a collection of quotes from Doug uttered while they walked around Bermuda.
“I really like it here.”
“Are we going shopping?”
“Are we sampling?”
“I just like Island towns a lot.”
“That’s actually very nice.”
“Oh my God, let’s do it.”
“I’m just Doug.”
“If she wants a kiss from Doug, she’ll let Doug know she wants a kiss.”
None of those were made up. To make sure Ricki isn’t the only child exploited, Doug and Emily write a postcard to his son back home. Then, they go to a moon gate to make a wish. Could you please read that last sentence again? It’s not exactly jamming a note inside of a clock, but they’re in Bermuda. After they walk through the moon gate, Doug says, “I could do that 1,000 times. It was awesome”.
Things get more fun when they sit down to dinner. Emily grills Doug to come up with some bad characteristics. She basically tells him to reveal his flaws. When Doug doesn’t, she gets agitated. It’s uncomfortable.
Doug gets a rose, even though Emily is upset that he didn’t kiss her. Doug hasn’t kissed a girl in months and months. He’s not ready.
So far, no one has been stabbed and the drama-meter has cobwebs on it. There has been very little drama. I find it hard to believe that Bachelorette producers would lie to us about the drama content of an episode so I’m guessing we can expect the next hour and 40 minutes to be explosive.
Next comes the group date. In an effort to get to know the men she could potentially marry, she sticks two separate groups on sail boats to spend zero time with her while they race against each other and she stands on a different boat with an air horn.
ABC brings in some random dude to lay down the rules; winners get more time with Emily, losers go back to the Hotel. I don’t know who this Chris Harrison sub-in is, but he has no poise or style. Where the hell was Chris Harrison? Could he not make it to Bermuda?
Sean the giant Religious guy has a strong quote about the stakes, “I played D-1 college football. I know what it’s like to be serious”.
What comes next is a straight out 27-minute boat race. Its 10 guys, who have no idea how to sail, sailing. It is 27-minutes. This season of the Bachelorette is devoid of content. They faked the audience out with preview footage of a guy losing his finger but his finger is just sore. It’s a chasm. I hated every second and there were 1620 of them.
Some guy named Charlie was on the losing team and he cries on the minivan ride home. He cries… because he lost a boat race… along with 4 other guys who are also dating his girlfriend. He cried.
Charlie says, “This is the last thing I expected to happen. The last thing”. So, he was in a boat race and he lost the boat race and that’s the last thing he expected to happen. I guess if President Barack Obama parasailed onto Emily’s boat and started making out with her while shooting a rifle into the air, it would have been less surprising.
The race car driver Arie and Emily snuggle with an afghan on the beach in Bermuda. It must be Winter there. They make out and there is slurping. I would say that Arie is going to win the Bachelorette at this point. Emily is kind of really into him. The kissing is a bit much. I mean, can’t they lower the volume on the slurping? Do I need to hear slurping? If there was no slurping, would people write letters and send angry texts to ABC? Was there a test group who previewed the season in one of those rooms with a two-sided mirror and the guys in lab coats on the other side of the mirror monitored their vital signs and indicated an increase in pleasure lobes of the brain when slurping sounds were registered?
When Arie is done cleaning out Emily’s teeth, Jef with 1 ‘f’ takes her back down to the beach. She brings the same blanket she used to cuddle with Arie. They have a conversation and I’m getting annoyed with how little drama is taking place. Jef didn’t make out with her and Emily told the camera that she was disappointed that Jef with 1 ‘f’ didn’t make out with her. That’s not really dramatic. It’s kind of just pointless and stupid.
Emily goes back up to wherever the hell this party is taking place so she can hang with the Ryan the evil personal trainer. This is a great opportunity for Ryan to further steal the villain status away from Kalon. Kalon hasn’t every spoken in weeks. I hardly remember him. He’s fading away while Ryan slimes his way to the top of the ‘hate’ scale. Ryan pushes some of Emily’s buttons and complains about her slurping around with Arie. Thank you for reading down this far.
We are treated to this gem of a quote from Ryan:
“There’s a lot of depth here to who I am. I’m not here to impress you… but to make an impression upon you.”
Emily gives Jef with 1 ‘f’ the rose despite his hair. Then, they watch fireworks and the guys act impressed by fireworks.
The next day, Emily counts chickens with her daughter and then takes two guys out on a date so she can dump one of them while he’s eating dinner. She takes them to the Bermuda triangle. They call it ‘The Bermuda Love Triangle’. I’ll bet you didn’t see that coming did you? Wolf and Nate are the ones chosen for this pointless journey because neither of them is winning this game show.
Back at the Hotel, Doug and Chris argue over who is more mature. It gets heated. There is finally a little drama.
Emily and Wolf and Nate ride a boat out to some rocks and then jump off of them. You’re not falling in love on the Bachelor/Bachelorette unless you’re climbing or jumping off of something. Here are some quotes to explain exactly how amazing a day it is.
Nate- “I’m excited.”
Emily- “I’m excited for today.”
Nate- “I’m excited.”
Wolf- “I’m pumped.”
Leave it to ‘Wordsmith’ Wolf to shake things up with the saucy language. They eat dinner in a cave. Emily takes the guys aside, one by one. In their conversation, Nate mentions his family and then starts to cry a little. Emily takes him back to the table and dumps him. Wolf gets the rose.
At the cocktail party, Jef with 1 ‘f’ feels secure enough with his rose to wear a suit coat, shorts and light blue socks pulled up to his knees. I have no idea what is supposed to happen with clothes, but that looks like a risk.
Ryan the evil personal trainer pulls Emily aside to say arrogant things and then says more arrogant things to the camera to further his evil status. Ryan has figured out at this point that he isn’t interested enough in Emily to fight so he’s going out with the chance to make it to this summer’s Bachelor Pad roster.
Arie interrupts their talk to go into the other room and grope. Sean the giant Religious guy takes a turn at swallowing Emily’s face. They fix the camera on these two for a solid minute and 38 eight seconds of face sucking. The scene makes ‘Monster’s Ball’ seem tame on the awkward scale.
The drama-meter final pings when Chris pulls Doug the Dad aside to yell at him for talking about age earlier. I’m so tired. There really isn’t much said. They don’t like each other. Chris is pretty drunk. I’m so mad that they don’t fight. No one ever fights on this show. We can’t get one punch? We do get this exchange:
Chris- “I don’t believe you.”
Doug the Dad- “Believe what?”
Chris- “Believe you in general.”
The music chosen for this apocalyptic exchange is an intense violin coupled with intense bass drums. You would think the British were coming back.
Chris Harrison earns his check by interviewing Emily before the Rose Ceremony. She talks a lot. She says she doesn’t like Ryan but then, minutes later, she doesn’t dump Ryan because producers don’t let her dump Ryan because he’s the evil personal trainer and Kalon isn’t pulling his weight as the villain.
I literally scream laughter during the Rose Ceremony when they show the guy with the pony tail. He hasn’t been shown for the entire two-hour episode. I have no idea what his name is. I haven’t heard him say a word this season but he has made it this far. I forget he exists every week. Emily ruins the fun by dumping him and the Charlie guy who cried in the minivan.
Both Charlie and pony-tail guy go out into the Bermuda rain to cry about being dumped by an empty woman they’ve known for a week.
This show is awful. Alejandro the Mushroom farmer is still alive and I haven’t even had a chance to mention him yet. He’s a mushroom farmer. Next week, they go to London and one of the guys yells out, “Hello London”. Buckle up, America.