Tonight’s episode of the Bachelorette wasn’t funny. It was very serious and very scary. There was a helicopter followed by more helicopters, boats, small planes, tears and buckets and buckets of tears.
I usually look forward to the third-last episode of a Bachelor/Bachelorette season because the third-last episode means ‘Fantasy Suites’ and ‘Fantasy Suites’ mean more sex than a Cinemax Free-Preview weekend.
Emily takes her three remaining boyfriends to an island called ‘Cerosau’ or something. I’ve never heard of it and I sure as hell am not looking up the correct spelling.
We begin with Emily sitting on a rock on the beach and thinking about her 3 boyfriends. ABC provides footage from the season we’ve already seen, in case you forgot what giant religious Sean looks like without his shirt on or maybe you forgot about that time giant religious Sean stood up on a bus and yelled “Hello London!”
Emily remarks that Sean only wants to get married once… because there are a lot of people who declare their intentions to be married several times.
We relive Jef with 1 ‘f’s super creepy puppet scene, Jef with 1 ‘f’s super creepy library make-out session scene and Jef with 1 ‘f’s super romantic skeet-shooting scene.
Emily says that Jef with 1 ‘f’ could make a trip to the grocery store an adventure. I don’t doubt it considering his hair.
Finally, we relive the four hundred hours of make-out footage between Emily and Arie. We are 8 minutes into the show and there has not been a second of original footage. This show is garbage.
Emily weighs her options and is having a tough time. She says, “I never thought in a million years that I would be feeling so strongly for three of these guys”.
So, she went on a Game Show to find love and thought her chances of finding that love were .000001%. That seems logical.
Giant religious Sean gets the first date and wears pink shorts. Emily is concerned because Sean hasn’t said “I love you” yet. I know how she feels. If a guy hasn’t told you he loves you after 4 televised dates in front of millions of people while you’re also dating 20 other guys… Sister, you have to protect yourself. He might just be a player.
Sean and Emily JUMP ONTO A HELICOPTER!!!! They fly to their own private island because Bachelor producers are out of ideas. They’ve used this private island thing a dozen times by now.
They talk about Sean’s past relationships while I look around my living room floor for something to stub my toe on.
When explaining the failure of one of his past relationships, Sean says that he “loved her but he wasn’t in love with her” and Emily says “I know what you mean”. I’m pretty sure she’ll end up using that line on Sean soon.
They don’t make out yet. These two kids always make out and they’re not making out. They go snorkeling.
Before they have sex, Emily and giant religious Sean have to eat dinner on TV. The crickets in Kerosau or whatever island they’re on are deafening. It sounds like each cricket is 4-feet long.
Sean wrote Emily’s daughter Ricki a letter even though he has never met her. The letter states that he’s ready and willing to be her Dad even though he’s never met her and has only dated her mother a handful of times. I would love to find Ricki when she’s an Emo/ Goth teenager, raging against the world and watching repeats of the Bachelorette with random ab-ridden idiots declaring their undying love for her without ever setting foot in the same state she lived in. This little girl is going to be so messed up. She’s going to be a head case. I want to apologize to Ricki for ABC’s behavior.
Anyway, Sean tells Emily that he loves her. ABC picks its best ‘Sean loves Emily’ soft piano music. Sean is really nervous to tell Emily he loves her for the first time. My wife said, “He didn’t even have to get drunk like you did”.
Emily pulls out the Fantasy Suite invitation. It’s a note from Chris Harrison inviting the young couple to have sex in a room that Bachelorette interns have littered with rose pedals and thousands of candles. Emily and Chris put on fewer clothes and make out in a hot tub. There is much slurping.
Emily is actually fighting with her morals and decides not to have sex all night with giant religious Sean. She sends him home after a couple of hours of making out. I feel completely ripped off. Bachelorette island vacations are supposed to mean bumpin’ uglies! I’ve been denied my God-given American rights!
Jef with 1 ‘f’ gets the next pointless date because it doesn’t look like there’s going to be any sex tonight.
They go out on a yacht and talk about whether or not Jef with 1 ‘f’ would be a good parent. Here’s the exchange:
Jef with 1 ‘f’- “Do you think I’d be a good parent?”
Jef with 1 ‘f’- “Why?”
Emily and Jef with 1 ‘f’ jump off the boat into the ocean to swim over to a cliff so they can jump off of the cliff and into the ocean. What are Bachelor producers like in real life? Do they constantly jump off of things to declare love? Do they say things like, “This donut is delicious. I love donuts!” while jumping off of chairs? I know this recap sucks but so does this show. Write your own recap! (sorry)
Jef with 1 ‘f’ eats dinner on TV with Emily. They drink giant glasses of wine and talk about their relationship because someone decided that this would be good television.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ interviews Emily and asks her how she can be attractive but still single. Emily says …something. I don’t know. There’s so much talking. I hate this show. Why can’t they just make out so I can, at least, relax and not listen for embarrassing quotes?
Just as I’m about to scream from all of the talking, they make out. Then, Jef with 1 ‘f’ stops making out to ask if Emily thinks that Ricki would like him. JUST MAKE OUT!
My wife thinks that Jef with 1 ‘f’ is going to win the Game Show and I scream, “They’re leading you on! Arie wins it! The producers just want you to think Jef with 1 ‘f’ is going to win!” She gets up and watches from the other room.
Emily pulls out the Sex Suite invitation. Jef with 1 ‘f’ declines the invitation to have sex on TV because his parents and Ricki will watch. What the hell is wrong with these people? They’ve been having near-sex for 6 weeks! Just take the damn key! The room is paid for! Now, I’m using exclamation points AND ending sentences with prepositions!
They do go to the room for a couple of hours to swallow the inside of each other’s mouth. There is 2 solid minutes of face sucking. Good thing they didn’t have sex. It would have set a bad example for Ricki.
Arie gets the final date. There still has been no sex. Arie is my last chance.
They get on a sailboat so they can lie on a blanket to make out. These two waste no time. There is no small talk. It’s straight to picking each other’s fillings.
Emily and Arie come up for air to swim with some dolphins. The dolphins swim near them and jump and squeak and we see it all and it’s totally awesome! ABC even plays some cool ‘Swimming with Dolphins’ music. Then they go back to the boat to drink giant glasses of wine and talk about the season. Then, they make out. ABC switches the CD over to ‘Spanish-style’ make-out music.
We bounce back from commercial with a full moon shot. (Are you keeping track at home??!!! There is always a full moon shining over Bachelor/Bachelorette couples!!!)
Emily and Arie eat on TV and talk. Arie talks about how much he wants to watch Ricki eat breakfast. He seriously says that. He says that he’d like to watch a woman’s daughter eat breakfast. Normally, that kind of talk would have a girl dialing 9-1-1 under the table. On the Bachelorette, it’s sweet and charming.
Emily and Arie talk more. There is so much talking and it’s boring. No wonder they’re always making out. They are the two least interesting people on Earth.
Arie talks about how he’d gain a child’s trust and I can’t be the only person creeped out by his speech. Does anyone even think about the fact that this Ricki girl will watch this? Does anyone care that she has to go to High School one day and put up with other kids talking about how her Dad described, in detail, his elaborate plan to convince her to trust him?
Emily doesn’t even offer Arie the Fantasy suite card because she knows that she’d have sex with him. DAMMIT! So, I’m 0-for-3 in the Fantasy Suite column. It’s so unfair. They do make out for an additional 48 seconds. Emily cries a bit on camera about having to dump one of her three boyfriends. Please read that last sentence back.
The show is basically over, there has been zero sex, and there is still over a half-hour left in the episode. In comes Chris Harrison for a pointless interview. Emily and Harrison sit down in front of the most cricket-filled bushes on the island to recap everything we’ve just seen. Emily spends the entire first part of the interview on the verge of tears. The second part of the interview is spent crying. There are boogers. I’m so thankful for High Definition.
Emily blabs on about being in love with three guys. Chris Harrison is saving his best ‘serious’ head shaking for the end of the season. This guy is a pro. It’s been a marathon season and we’re just now getting his best. Harrison is the Claude Lemieux of television hosts (sports quota filled).
When he’s done nodding his head solemnly, Chris Harrison brings Emily over to a television so she can cry and watch three separate messages from her boyfriends. Their talk didn’t even take 7 minutes. How long are these video messages? Are they going to read crap to her? I hate that crap!
Giant religious Sean has the first message. He is not holding paper, thankfully. Sean tells Emily, once again, that he’s in love with her. It’s a good thing she watched this because it’s so much different from what Sean told her 38-minutes ago.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ has the next message. There is more talking. Whatever.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ says, “Together we will watch 1,000 sunsets”. That sounds really boring.
Arie has the final televised message. Arie says, “My heart is always racing for you”. Did you guys see what he did there? He made a racing analogy! This guy is a poet!
Emily cries through all three messages. She obviously isn’t comfortable dumping one of her three boyfriends on National TV. Maybe she shouldn’t have dated 25 guys on a Game Show. We have figured out how ABC planned on filling that extra half-hour. It’s just Emily crying a butt-ton.
The Rose ceremony is super dramatic. They hold it in front of the giant, mutated cricket bush. You can hardly hear Chris Harrison scream out the stakes of the ceremony. There are only 2 roses. After this, you’re either getting dumped or proposing a 6-month engagement to a boring woman.
Emily comes out and manages not to cry for 30 seconds. She apologizes in advance for dumping one of them… but not for dating all three of them at once.
Emily dumps giant religious Sean. We saw it coming. He was all abs. Emily takes Sean aside to explain the dumping. The crickets intensify their screech as if they sense the tension. Emily asks Sean what he’s thinking because that’s what a guy who just got dumped wants to be asked. Sean says he feels stupid and Emily says, “Why?”
I’m guessing he feels stupid because he just got dumped by an idiot on National TV.
Sean handles the dumping like a pro because that’s how you become the next Bachelor. Emily cries a lot. She’s wearing a tank top and a bottle-cap shower curtain dress. I’m not kidding. When she walks, her dress sounds like a shopping cart rolling over Wegmans’ tiles.
Sean gets into the limo to cry to America. It’s not a gushy tear-fest. He manages not to snot. I respect him for that. He’s earned it.
I miss Sean already. Do you guys… Sorry, I’m laughing again… Do you guys remember how hilarious Sean was last week with his crazy pranks? Holy cow! It was Fun-E. He’ll find love. He’s too funny not to find love.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ will battle Arie for the right to date Emily off camera for a couple of months. I bet Arie will gas up and put the pedal to the floor! Next week is the worst thing America has ever created…. The Men Tell All episode! I’m going to watch with a Cyanide capsule cradled between my top and bottom molars!