When I was 12, I went to the movies with my Dad to see Kevin Costner’s epic ‘Dances with Wolves’. I got an Olympic swimming pool-sized Mountain Dew. By the time Lieutenant Dunbar was speaking Sioux, I had to pee like there were greyhounds in my bladder. It was the most uncomfortable 3 hours of my life. Until Sunday night’s Bachelorette finale.
Emily Maynard ruined the better part of my summer and her ‘kill’ move was a pointless 3-hour finale. She jumped off of the top turn buckle and slammed her elbow into my face with crying and talking and dumping and making out.
Two Game show contestants remained heading into Sunday’s re-hash-a-thon, Arie and Jef with 1 ‘f’. Arie is a race car driver. Jef with 1 ‘f’ is a skateboard rider or something. He might be a grain merchant. I tend not to read a lot.
It’s the end of the end, folks. It’s the most dramatic Bachelorette finale ever!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!
We start with a live studio audience cheering on Chris Harrison as he tells us the stakes of this dramatic finale. Harrison also asks America to make sure more people don’t shoot people. That happened. I’m not trying to be insensitive to tragic events but, it was a forced and awkward recognition. It wasn’t very sincere. I don’t know why it had to happen during the Bachelorette finale, right before a woman dumps one of her two boyfriends.
Emily has brought her family to Curacao to meet her potential sex partners. Jef with 1 ‘f’ gets the first chance to make an impression. He’s wearing the cleanest white T-shirt I’ve ever seen. It looks like it should be making crinkly sounds. I don’t own anything that clean and white. I would have chili and Kool Aid stains on that white T-shirt in 4 seconds.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ makes a good first impression. Emily’s family loves him. It must be the T-shirt. It has a little pocket. Emily’s brother has hair like a Ken doll… and that’s not a compliment. He kind of sounds like Aaron Schobel when he talks (sports quota filled).
Emily’s Mom likes Jef with 1 ‘f’ and, as she talks about how Jef makes Emily happy, they cut to a shot of Emily laughing. It’s ABC making sure you know that Jef with 1 ‘f’ makes Emily happy.
Emily’s brother and his hair helmet grill Jef with 1 ‘f’ and his hair typhoon. Jef with 1 ‘f’ talks about his love and connection and the ABC piano guy almost breaks his fingers with the softest, fiercest piano music I’ve ever heard. I want to build a time machine and erase all of my sins.
Emily’s hair-helmeted brother, who has known Jef with 1 ‘f’ for 4 seconds, says that he truly believes in his heart that Jef is sincere. What a good brother. He’s so protective.
Emily’s Dad tells Jef with 1 ‘f’ that he has permission to marry his daughter.
The next day, Emily’s family has to meet Arie. It’s dramatic. Emily plays up her boyfriend by saying, “Arie is so easy to love”. I must not have been trying hard.
Arie kept all of the roses and brings them out as a gift. If he loses, he could probably sell those on Ebay. I know there are some girls in Atlanta who might be crazy enough to dig deep for that kind of memorabilia. Arie tries to talk about fishing because Emily’s family likes fishing. It’s going well. I’m bored out of my mind.
The family likes Arie. Emily’s brother is confused after meeting Arie. He says, “After meeting Arie, I’m confused”. ABC accidentally leaves their live audience volume knob up and you hear them laugh at Emily’s brother’s statement… or his hair.
The audience sound is potted up again when Arie asked Emily’s Dad for permission to marry. This is strange. I feel like they’re laughing at me for recapping the Bachelor. I ABC would turn it off.
Emily’s Dad gives Arie permission to marry his daughter… and, at this point, why not? This man has given so many Reality TV stars permission to marry his daughter that I doubt he can even keep track.
Emily struggles with her family over who they like better. The ABC piano player does a line of coke and delves into some serious ‘Emily isn’t sure who she loves’ music. Emily has 40 pounds of brass of gold in her ears. Her earrings could be gladiator shields.
We go to commercial with Emily crying… and then ABC teases more crying. It’s like they’re saying, “Hope you like crying!”
We come back from commercial so Chris Harrison can ask the live studio audience, by applause, who they think should win the Game show. They vote for Jef with 1 ‘f’. It’s like how Eminen won the first two rounds of his thrilling battle rap sequence in the movie 8-mile, only with a little less fear of people being stabbed.
Emily loves both of her boyfriends, but she’s afraid of making the wrong decision. She says that she wants what’s best for her daughter, Ricki. I’m guessing what would be best for Ricki would be to not choose her father on National television. I’m guessing Ricki would benefit from not having her father chosen from a pool of 25 men who are all being dated at once. I would surely think that it would be best for Ricki to not have camera men in her bedroom filming her fall asleep after her mother closes the door and turns out the light… but, what do I know? I’m not an expert on what is best for Ricki.
Emily didn’t want to introduce the daughter she ruined to either of her boyfriends but, she changed her mind and brought Jef with 1 ‘f’ to meet her. It’s the first time I’ve thought that I may be wrong about the whole ‘Arie winning’ thing.
The exploitation goes well. Ricki swims and falls in love with Jef with 1 ‘f’ and he falls in love with her and it’s magical and the piano player takes a break so the guy with the lute can jam out some ‘Ricki loves Jef with 1 ‘f’’ tunes.
Emily is very happy about Jef’s interaction with Ricki and says “He has totally exceeded my expectations”. I guess that means that Emily thought that Jef with 1 ‘f’ would treat his daughter like garbage.
There’s a ton of uncomfortable alone time where a potential future husband meets his potential future daughter and it’s not unnatural at all that it’s happening in front of us on television and I don’t think that Ricki will need a lot of therapy of prescription medication at all.
Emily and Jef with 1 ‘f’ recap their entire season with annoying cute whisper talk. Chris Harrison is hanging out in the background thinking, “Um, I do that! That’s my job!”
Emily and Jef with 1 ‘f’ make out and he gives her a gift. I think I called this wrong. It’s looking like Jef with 1 ‘f’ wins it. There’s still plenty of show left but, these two look like they have a beautiful 6-month relationship in front of them.
The gift is a book of pictures and memories. They aren’t real pictures. Jef with 1 ‘f’ took pictures of random places and drew stick figures to signify where he and Emily had fun. If this wasn’t a Reality TV show, a swat team would have descended from grappling hooks and tazed Jef to death. It’s creepy.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ says goodbye. He says, “That’s the hardest goodbye I’ve ever said…. Ever”. That’s 2 ‘evers’ people. It’s serious. Jef with 1 ‘f’ is serious. To prove how serious, ABC captures Jef watching Emily leave from atop a staircase with fresh tropic rain washing over his shoulders and Gumby-like hair.
Arie’s next date is up next and, if Jef with 1 ‘f’s date is any indication, Arie is in for some cold shouldering.
Before the date, Chris Harrison polls the live studio audience of 399 women and 1 guy. The creepy ladies of the audience are clearly pro-Jef and say stalkery things about him. (‘Stalkery’ is a word, computer!)
Chris Harrison throws it back to the taped footage, which consists of Chris Harrison interviewing Emily. He’s become a head nodder and a life coach.
Emily gushes on about her caring for more than 1 guy. It should be a surprise that she likes more than 1 guy, considering how she only dated 25 of them. That would sneak up on anyone.
The bomb is dropped that Emily does only love Jef with 1 ‘f’ and doesn’t want to confront Arie about not loving him as much as Jef with 1 ‘f’. She’s all snot-filled and crying. Basically, Emily needs to dump Arie, but would probably prefer to do it by text.
I hope she does it by text.
ABC doesn’t allow her to do it by text. Emily gets together with Arie to dump him. Chris Harrison tells her to be honest. Emily cries some more. There’s crying. There’s a ton of crying.
So, this is where we stand. We know the ending of this stupid show and there is still 40 minutes left. Actually, there is 40 minutes and then an hour of bull after that. I’m so mad.
Arie arrives for his date, not knowing that he’s about to be dumped, he picks flowers for Emily and gushes to the camera about proposing to Emily and meeting Ricki. Soft piano guy plays on like nothing is wrong.
Emily shows up and cries. Arie, still not aware that he’s being dumped tells Emily that he made her a love potion and has to rub it on her (true). Emily starts bawling. Arie knows what is up. Soft piano guy gets some string accompaniment. Things are getting dramatic. Arie is being dumped. He gets a little mad. Arie does contain himself. He doesn’t hurt his chances of being a future Bachelor.
The dumping happens and we are forced to watch 14 minutes of Emily crying and Arie thinking. They just sit in silence. The calcium in my stomach turns to a stone that I will be forced to pee out. The Bachelorette just keeps on giving.
Arie thanks Emily for dumping him a day early. When they hug goodbye, their chests touch and you can hear a very fast heartbeat. It was probably dubbed in by Bachelor Producers and, if so … Bravo!
Arie pours his heart out in the limo. He acts like a guy who was just dumped by a girl who dated 25 guys in the span of 8 weeks.
As Arie drives out of Emily’s life, cameras capture her staring into a pond with a ‘I just dumped a race car driver’ look on her face. ABC cuts to a shot of a stunned live studio audience.
We still have so much show left. I’m so angry. Chris Harrison says, “Emily just shocked America” which isn’t true. Then, Chris Harrison ruins my life by bringing back Ashley H. from last season’s Bachelorette. If you’re new to my recaps, I hate Ashley H. like you hate having poo rubbed into your eyes.
Ashley H. and her fiancé J.P. talk about being in Arie’s shoes and it’s annoying. Another former Bachelorette, Deanna, is interviewed to remind me how much I hated her. Then, a breakdance guy is interviewed. Chris Harrison starts the interview by saying, “You are much beloved…” I laugh so hard, I wake up people in Wyoming.
Then, more people are interviewed and this show sucks. It’s a whole segment of interviews with plastic, herpes-ridden people who make their living off of making out on National television with other collagen-filled people.
When we come back from commercial, Emily stands on a beach in Curacao and blabs on about how great of a father Jef with 1 ‘f’ will make… even though his own parents hated the idea of this union so much that they refused to be shown (I think).
Jef with 1 ‘f’ visits with the blood-sucking diamond guy so he can make his yearly appearance. I’d love to drive down a road and witness the blood-sucking diamond guy trapped under a car with a handful of diamonds that do not help. I’m a bit anti-diamond. It’s a rock. Beer bottles are shiny too if you hold them in the right light.
Chris Harrison walks Jef with 1 ‘f’ up to meet Emily. The music could be used to usher a wrestler to a stage. Jef with 1 ‘f’ marches up to propose to Emily.
We’re interrupted for a commercial break, complete with Bachelor Pad promo (I’m not watching. I need time off)
It’s windy in Curacao. Jef with 1 ‘f’ fights through it to propose to Emily. This is taking forever. Emily gives a speech. She admits to dumping Arie the day before. Jef with 1 ‘f’ talks a bunch about love and trust and paths and I start to lose sensation in my legs and arms. This is taking more forever.
Single ‘f’ Jef finally proposes. ABC leaves the live studio sound up to get some applause. It’s so pathetic knowing they aren’t going to remember each other’s single ‘f’ names in a year.
ABC plays a Jef/Emily montage set to the theme from Karate Kid II. It’s complete with footage of their dating while she was also dating 24 other guys. And, yes, when Peter Cetera sings “Like a knight in shining armor”, they show Jef with 1 ‘f’ shooting a bow and arrow. I throw up in my mouth.
Jef with 1 ‘f’, Emily and Emily’s exploited daughter Ricki march off into the sunset together. It’s uber creepy.
Chris Harrison jumps in for the postgame show, ‘After the Final Rose’. It’s the first live ‘After the Final Rose’ ever. Chris Harrison says they’re doing it live to make sure we have the most up-to-date info on the happy couple. It’s another way of saying, “Let’s see if they’re still together!”
Emily answers questions about finally being in love for the first time since the last time she sought out love on National television. That last time went well.
Always the dramatic killjoy, Chris Harrison brings out Arie for a dramatic talk with Emily and it’s dramatic. Arie smoothly handles the constant mention of his dumping as the women in the audience swoon. He and Emily look like they’ll remain friends, which will come in handy in a couple of months when she’s done with her other boyfriend.
Arie says that he brought his diary with him to the postgame show. He left it with Emily so she could read about how much he loved her. Emily didn’t read it. I say a little prayer that they don’t pull it out and start reading it aloud. They do not.
Arie once again thanks Emily for dumping him.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ comes out next so the audience can cheer their temporary love. They talk about how it doesn’t feel like they met on a Reality TV show, even though Jef’s girlfriend also dated a ton of other guys and made out with a lot of them and was pressed against Croatian buildings by some of them while straddling these other boyfriend’s loins. It wasn’t like a television show at all.
ABC shows pictures of how good a guy Jef with 1 ‘f’ is because he took Ricki fishing and helped her pet a goat. He really is ‘Dad’ material. I’m sure they already covered the subject of whether or not he’s allowed to discipline her and what Ricki is supposed to call him.
They replay the proposal while showing a little screen of the couple’s reaction. I fast forward. They talk some more and I fast forward. The audience claps for something and I fast forward. Emily and Jef with 1 ‘f’ make out. It’s so late and I hate this show so much.
The newly engaged couple announce that they’re heading to Africa to build wells and do some humanitarian work. I’m sure Africa is thrilled. The show ends. A part of me is dead forever.
I’m not watching the Bachelor Pad. I apologize. I can’t do it. I hate it. I will be back in the fall for the Bachelor even though I don’t want to do that either. I guess there’s a chance I could die before that. There’s always hope.