It's 2009, and two crusty old bums are sitting in a Detroit bar, watching news of another car fire on the side of the highway. The anchor shifts the broadcast to sports, where the news come on that Steve Yzerman has been elected to the Hockey Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility. The one patron, Stan, opens his mouth to say something to his compadre, Gus.
"That (expletive) bum! A first ballot Hall of Famer! What did he ever do for us?"
Gus takes a sip of beer, orders two shots of gin and barely breathes out his reply.
"Fifty-seven years without a Cup. Why did we trade him to Buffalo?"
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You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination, where Pierre Lebrun's report that the Bryan Murray and the Red Wings almost dealt Steve Yzerman to the Sabres for Pat LaFontaine in the early 1990s isn't a report... it's the truth. Buffalo fans, feast your eyes on what would've been... and what is... in "Funtime Sabresland"
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Summer 1993: After a second-round sweep at the hands of the Montreal Canadiens, John Muckler picks up the phone. He's sick of all these messages from Bryan Murray regarding Pat LaFontaine, and Patty LaLa netted just twice in the series. Muckler thinks, "This Murray guy doesn't know what he's doing! I'm glad I'll never work with him." Feeling confident in Brad May as his future, Mucks sends Pat LaFontaine, Ken Sutton and Grant Fuhr to Detroit for Yzerman, Paul Coffey and Vincent Riendeau.
1993-94: Things begin poorly in Buffalo for Stevie Y. New full-time starter Dominik Hasek can't hack it, going 0-7-1 to start the year, and Riendeau comes down with a bad case of rabies. Buffalo has to turn to tremendously-unpopular Tom Draper between the pipes. For some reason, it works great. The Yzerman/May/Bob Sweeney line works like a charm for the Sabres, as Yzerman collects 100 assists and May and Sweeney each score 30. Buffalo takes the Northeast Division in its first season, while Draper becomes an unlikely Vezina finalist, going 40-13-4 despite a 3.67 GAA and .832 save percentage.
The playoffs, however, are a flame-out, as Alexander Mogilny declares he will not travel to away games via anything less than a spaceship. Out West, LaFontaine's Wings miss the playoffs after Toronto's Jamie Macoun breaks LaFontaine's jaw with a slash, and then kidnaps the inventor of the bucket helmet. The Rangers win the Cup, beating the Canucks in seven games.
1994-95: Shaking things up, the Sabres deal disgruntled Hasek and Yuri Khymlev to the Kings for Charlie Huddy, Robb Stauber and Alexei Zhitnik. Known now as "The Sharpshooter," Zhitnik turned out to be the missing cog in the Sabres power play, netting 44 times with the man advantage.
However, his life-defining moment came in February, when he stopped a robbery at a local mall by de-gunning a potential thief with a slapshot. The police chief was, "amazed at Zhitnik's accuracy."
Yzerman ratcheted up his game during the lock-out-shortened season, with 74 points in the half-season, while May and Sweeney again scored 30. Unfortunately, the team's run comes to a close in the Stanley Cup Finals, as Khymlev and Hasek are too much for the Sabres to control.
1996-97: Muckler steps back to GM and hires a former Rochester American by the name of Ted Nolan. Nolan is an instant locker room hit, and is known as "Mr. Relationship," for his talent at mending locker room rifts.
The team doesn't lose a game until Christmas, and finishes with a remarkable 77-3-2 mark. Yzerman sets the points record with 230, while May, Sweeney and Zhitnik each account for 40 goals. Stauber plays in all 82 games, but loses the Vezina despite gaudy numbers of 5.73 GAA and a save percentage of .582.
A bad case of chicken pox rips through the team in the Eastern Conference Finals, and Yzerman gets it the worst. Buffalo loses to Florida in seven games, and Stevie Y only scored thrice in Game Seven.
Nolan is fired for being "too nice," and the other 25 teams immediately fire their coaches to chase Nolan, who is unemployed as a head coach for a mere 13 minutes before choosing to coach Hasek in Los Angeles. Muckler resigns, and Buffalo hires a young chap named Darcy Regier, who in turn selects a new head coach, Lindy Ruff
1997-98: Regier's tenure begins with a draft considered a "massive disaster." First, he deals the No. 7 pick (Erik Rasmussen) for No. 24 (Daniel Briere) straight-up, saying, "We feel there's better value there." While being roundly mocked, he begins to choke on a cracker, and Lou Lamoriello won't give him his can of grape soda unless Regier gives up all the Sabres remaining picks for the beverage and an eighth-round pick (Willie Mitchell). Under extreme duress, Regier acquiesces.
The Sabres win every game until Valentine's Day, when Ruff demands the players use opposite-handed sticks. The game ends in a 5-5 tie, with Mitchell scoring all five goals.
The year is Buffalo's, finishing 81-0-1, as they become the first team in NHL history with five 50-goal scorers (May, Yzerman, Mitchell, Zhitnik, Sweeney). Briere nets 49, as Ruff benches him in the final week to "class it up, Rook." Yzerman reaches the 1,000-point mark for the season. That's a record.
The Sabres win the Cup over Calgary in four games. The Buffalo Police Department floods the streets to guard against rioting, but cannot find a single soul. Faced with their first ever championship, the citizens of Buffalo choose to go to the airport to greet the Bills newest signing, Jerry Rice.
1998-99: You'll remember this season as the one the Sabres won it all despite their goaltending. Stauber played all 82 games despite not making a single save (13.54 GAA, .000 save percentage).
The cops brace for another riot, but instead find the team engaged in a sit-in for world peace. The world complies.
1999-2000: The Sabres struggle through the first half of the year as Yzerman sets the NFL passing record en route to a Bills Super Bowl win. At 26-11-4 through 41 games, many experts count the Sabres out as "over-the-hill," but Lindy lets them play without blindfolds for the second half of the year, and Buffalo again gets the No. 1 seed. Willie Mitchell scores the game winning goal in a four-game Finals sweep of Las Vegas, and President Clinton renames him "Willie Norris" in honor of his fine defensive play.
2000-01: Four.
2001-02: Five.
2002-03: Regier is named Time's Person of the Year over the Enron whistleblower. Why? He canceled the Sabres season so, "someone else could win." President George W. Bush renames the city, "Winnersville."
2003-04: In a moment universally-considered the greatest in sports history, Yzerman and the Sabres announce a universal-retirement with nine minutes to go in Game Four of the Cup Finals against Calgary. Buffalo management is forced to assemble a team of fans to finish the game. Being on the road, this is tough, but an 89-year old woman in a turquoise dress nets two in the final minute to send the Sabres to another Cup. As she's handed the trophy by league commissioner Gilbert Perreault, the woman takes off a wig to reveal herself not as a lady at all, but as Yzerman.
"Buffalo, I would never let you down."
Winnersville celebrates by unearthing the corpses of Adam and Eve, disproving many scientific theories and curing every communicable and non-communicable disease. Yzerman really does retire, and everything stinks again.
Email:
nick@wgr550.com
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