Buffalo Bills owner Ralph C. Wilson certainly shook things up at One Bills Drive early this morning, firing Dick Jauron as Bills head coach and naming The Cryptkeeper his successor.
“When it came right down to it,” said Wilson of the coaching change, “appointing The Cryptkeeper to head coach of our football club was the smartest move to make.”
The Bills owner went on to explain exactly how – and under what circumstances – the two reached an agreement: “I woke up in a coughing fit some time around two o’clock this morning. As I reached for my Holy Grail – uh, uh, I mean water glass – from which I consistently need to drink, I felt a cold, fleshless claw grab my hand. At first, I thought it was just Dick [Jauron] having come to me in the night with one of his usual crying bouts, begging me for advice on how to run the team. But it wasn’t; it was The Cryptkeeper.”
While nobody admits that it would be unlikely for Wilson to be visited at his bedside by a grim-reaper type of character, the million-year-old millionaire acknowledges that his story might sound a bit “crazy,” although he remains steadfast that the occurrence did indeed take place, and that the move was the right one to make: “When a talking skeleton visits you in the night and asks to be the head coach of your football team,” explained Wilson, “you don’t say no.”
While some speculate that the move could be the spark the team needs to succeed from top to bottom, some players and members of the coaching staff feel differently.
When asked what he thought about playing underneath The Cryptkeeper, Bills Wide Receiver Lee Evans was perfectly catatonic, unable to speak and unblinking.
Bills starting quarterback Trent Edwards was reduced to tears when a reporter asked him his opinion of the newly acquired coach. “Mommy and Daddy never let me watch [Tales from the Crypt] when I was little, now I know why!” the quarterback managed, before running out of the locker room crying.
“He do that a lot, actually,” said Bills running back Marshawn Lynch of Edwards. “As for me, I’m cool with that Cryptkeeper,” Lynch laughs. “He real goofy lookin’, he crack me up!”
Bills Offensive Coordinator Turk Schonert scoffed at the possibility that he might be as scared as some of his players. “Are you kidding me?” exclaimed Schonert, “my name is ‘Turk’ for f—k’s sake! I ain’t scared of s—t!”
Bills Wide Receiver Terrell Owens could not be reached for comment.
While some rumor that Wilson acquired The Cryptkeeper in exchange for 20 extra minutes of life, others are just glad to see Jauron go. “Yeah, Dicky J had an okay run,” says one drunken, overweight Buffalo fan, “but this team needed to make some moves! WOO!”
In a phone conversation from his haunted castle in Hoboken, NJ, The Cryptkeeper was asked to comment, but only cackled maniacally.
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