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Greg Bauch's Blog

Bachelor Recap- It is Michelle's Birthday

Could you just give me a chance to explain what happened on the Bachelor last night? Can I just explain?

When we last left Brad Womack, he was asking everyone to give him a chance to explain. Did everyone have enough time to let his explanation sink in?

Brad is looking for a life partner. ABC cares a lot about Brad so they fixed him up with 30 women also consumed with the honest and sincere desire to be on television as long as possible. Some soft music is added at appropriate times to drive home how important this all is.

20 women remain as we begin week 2 of our pointless journey.
Things are getting real for Brad so, he stands on a mountain and juggles a football around while ABC captures him thinking on camera. I read on a gossip site that producers originally gave him a real baby to hold while he thought on the mountain top, but the baby kept spitting up and Brad got pissed.

Before you open up a new window to research this information, ask yourself, “Does it even matter?”


Brad will have three dates. Two separate 1-on-1 dates and a group date. I go in hoping that everyone has lots of fun because that's the point of life.

Producers choose Ashley for the first date. Ashley is a Dentist and a morning person. She doesn't need caffeine. She drinks rays of sunshine each morning.

It's nightime, so Ashley and Brad climb through the woods for their date. It's terrifying. ABC does a good job of piping in some Hawk sound effects to make it scarier. How could Chris Harrison let this happen? They're just wandering in the woods. Hollywood is known for its deadly 'woods' dates.

Finally, they turn the lights on to reveal a personal carnival. This date will help to prepare the potential couple for real life and the time that they might stumble through the woods unto an abandoned carnival.

Ashley and Brad hit it off. They make out in front of the strength tester. Ashley is super nice and sweet. I hate her. She talks with her hands like she’s doing fake sign language.

It turns out both Ashley and Brad had fathers who weren't around. Brad has trouble talking about it, as evidenced by the way he constantly talks about it on National Television.

What the hell is going on? It’s been 18 minutes and there hasn’t been a single helicopter landing outside of the girls’ mansion. It must be the economy. We need a helicopter stimulus plan.

The next date is a 15-on-1 date party. I’ve always fanaticized about being with 15 girls at once. I'd have over a six percent chance of touching a boob. See, my dad wasn’t around and its hard for me to open up to people. Girls never give me a chance to explain.

It’s Michelle’s birthday and she’s pissed she has to share it with 14 other girls. Being completely awful, she handles it well. Michelle only complains about it constantly. Her name is Michelle. It’s her 30th birthday. It’s Michelle’s birthday.
(It's Michelle's Birthday!)

Brad brings the girls to give blood. It’s a cheap plug for the American Red Cross. Those shameless bastards are always shilling for blood. I’m sick of it.

They put on costumes to film Public Service Announcements. It’s a super crazy fun way for the girls to make out with Brad. Awesome times. I can’t even stand it. My wife and I ran out and gave blood.

An insane and ugly girl named Melissa comes out of nowhere and starts to act stabby. Britnee makes her dad proud by rounding third with Brad on ABC filming a ‘Give Blood’ PSA.

Michelle is sick of not being paid attention so she storms off to lure Brad away for a speech about connections. To his credit, Brad doesn’t pound her in the temple with a Miner’s pick axe. It’s Michelle’s 30th birthday.

When they were done with Michelle’s birthday party, they go to a private night club party. It’s Michelle’s birthday.

She manages to drink too much and confront Brad about the walls he puts up. She also asks Brad about his favorite place to go for coffee. He says, 'Starbucks'. Michelle then gives Brad a high five.

The alcohol is flowing freely and crazy Melissa gets her fill. Melissa starts screaming and fighting.

Brad gave Michelle the 15-on-1 date rose because it was her birthday. All of the other girls were fine with his decision.

The next day, Jackie gets a 1-on-1 date. He picks her up in a car, not a helicopter. They go to a hotel for massages and dry humping.

The couple is then whisked away for a private concert from Train. It’s a Bachelor staple. Some poor band preforms for an audience of two people who inevitably make out in front of them. It's awkward.

The cocktail party is a drunken mess.
Producers pay last season's happy couple, Ali and Roberto, to act like they're still together and come on the show. Ali and Roberto get on T.V. again to help Brad weed through the garbage.

Melissa cranks up the crazy knob and bawls to anyone who will listen that she's not insane. The rest of the night is spent without make-up and she looks pretty raunchy. It's a good idea to look as desparate and emaciated as possible if you're trying to win over a guy with commitment problems.

Two separate WGR employees, Mike Schopp and Joe Buscaglia, have opined that Emily, the widow of a former Nascar driver, is runaway winner of this season’s Bachelor contest. I didn’t notice the subtle clues during week one, but it's pretty clear that Emily will make it to the final week or two. She has her own soundtrack.

Emily gets a rose because producers told Ali and Roberto to recommend her to Brad. Somehow, a mountain lion falls into the pool and they make the girls get it out with a pool skimmer. None of the girls wants to get into the pool because they're all wearing expensive dresses and the lion is upset and flailing.

I keep reading over these last couple of paragraphs to make sure that they would make sene to people who didn't watch the show but, what's the point. This recap is a mess because this show is a mess. I'm trying way too hard here.

3 women are sent home, including crazy Melissa, the manscaper who waxed Brad's hand in week one and the Rockette.

They just let the mountain lion die and they show it floating in the pool as the credits roll. It just doesn't seem right. 

Tags :  
People : AliAshleyBrad WomackChris HarrisonEmilyJoe BuscagliaMelissaMichelleMike SchoppRoberto

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