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Greg Bauch's Blog

Bachelor Recap-If I told you my dad died, would you love me more?

Michelle’s birthday has come and gone and, for some reason, they keep showing more episodes of the Bachelor.

If this is your first exposure to the televised shin-stomp, we’ll catch you up on the action. Brad Womack is searching for his one true love amongst 17 remaining contestants. This is Brad’s second time as ‘The Bachelor’. He is disconnected and has intimacy issues, but enjoys being on television.

On Episode 3 there is a pair of one-on-one dates and a group date with explosions. Some of the girls are left out and don’t get to spend time with Brad, therefore dramatically increasing their chances of not getting drunk and ruining their chances of winning his wooden, lifeless heart.

Because each episode of the Bachelor is only 2 hours (despite the countless letters I’ve written to ABC!!! L) they jump right into Brad’s first date. He’s chosen Ashley S. for a special surprise. Ashley S. is a Nanny from South Carolina. I’d invite you to go to the ABC website to read her bio but there’s a Toothpaste commercial on the Bachelor page that would take a Pentagon computer 8 weeks to process. I lost 3 hours of my day to that time-suck of a website.

Brad is super pumped about his date with Ashley S. He says, “I am so excited to take Ashley S. on date today.”


Brad picks her up in non-helicopter and takes her to Studio ‘A’ at Capitol Records. Sad music is played to show exactly how worried Ashley is about singing in front of the camera. They’re signing ‘Kiss from a Rose’ because Seal is promoting something new.
Ashley tells the camera that her dad died and how he’d be so jealous because ‘Kiss from a Rose’ used to be her favorite song.

Hearing them sing is painful. A couple of my pores ooze blood and puss. Singing awfully brings Brad and Ashley S. together. Then they meet Seal, but not Heidi Klum because Heidi wasn’t promoting anything this week. ABC let Seal sing 14 seconds of his new song and then the couple goes up on the roof to make out.

Ashley gets to talk about ‘falling for Brad’ before any of the other girls. She gives her dead Dad credit for making this all happen. Well, we know it wasn’t Brad’s Dad. He’s never around.

When Ashley talks about her Dad, Brad looks like he’d like to jump off of the roof of the Capitol Records building. Brad isn’t very stable during these fake tender moments. He’s always breaking off eye contact, looking at his shoes and rocking back and forth. It makes me uncomfortable.

Ashley S. doesn’t seem to mind. Seconds after a tender ‘Dead Dad’ story, she jams her tongue down Brad’s throat. Brad gives her a rose.

Back home, it’s not Michelle’s birthday and she’s sad about not getting a one-on-one date.

Michelle and 10 other girls put on florescent green to go to a movie studio. They’re filming an action movie! Some thugs jump out of nowhere and fake-fight with Brad. I was frightened.

The girls have lots of fun with acting. Michelle complains a lot. Shawntel excels and gets Brad’s attention. She’s also good at making out so they do that a bunch.

The movie is a complete success. I can’t wait to see it.

ABC throws the group a pool party for some quality alcohol and Abs time. Then, the girls who filled out paperwork to share a guy with 20 women cry about having to share a guy with 20 women.

Chantal, not Shawntel, sees how well the abandoning Dad thing is working so she breaks out her story of abandonment and Dad death. Then, she gives Brad some wet booger kisses. If you’re keeping score at home, my computer says that Chantal spells her name correctly but Shawntel does not. It’s a huge upset.

Michelle proves that he’s out of her mind/starved for attention by interrupting Chantal’s alone time and throwing herself at Brad for some grinding. It works. Brad loves how forward she is. He also enjoys looking at her chest.

By now, Alli has heard how well the ‘Dad’ angle is working so she cries and tells Brad about how her Dad cheated on her Mom and was never around and she got a half-sister.

Basically, none of these women have Dads.

Brad gives Chantal a rose because her ‘Dead Dad’ story was the best and she looks really hot in skin-tight leopard pants round-house kicking thugs. That’s my favorite sentence ever!

I'm pretty sure I've completely confused Chantal/Shawntel. This show is a whirlwind.

Brad’s last date of the week is a one-on-one affair with the Producers’ favorite girl, Emily. I made a couple of factual mistakes on Emily last week. Her dead husband was a Nascar driver but, he wasn’t her husband, he was her fiance’. If you would like, you don’t have to read my recaps anymore.

My wife and my coworkers are trying to convince me how sweet Emily is. Let’s clear up a few things on Emily. She is not sweet. She’s on T.V. because she’s very pretty and her story about losing her fiancé while pregnant is interesting. She may have wanted a new husband, which is fine, but she certainly didn’t have to go on the Bachelor to find one. A girl as beautiful as Emily can shave her head and throw cats at subway trains and men will still fall over themselves to get her phone number. She’s on the Bachelor because she wants to be on T.V. and telling her dead boyfriend story helps her to be on T.V.

And more power to her.

Anyway, Brad takes Emily to a Vineyard because this show is fueled by alcohol. I was excited that ABC finally stepped up and got a private plane for their date until I realized the reasoning behind it:

1. Emily is nervous about telling Brad about her daughter and dead fiance’.
2. She’s also probably freaked out about getting on planes, especially small ones.
3. The producers thought, “Screw emotional turmoil, get that woman on the smallest plane we can find and jam a camera in her face!”

After an uncomfortable couple of hours of Emily avoiding Brad’s questions and Brad looking like he wants to hit her, she finally nuts up and tells her story, set to her Soundtrack of soft piano music.

Brad seals the moment by saying, ”Every single thing you’ve told me makes me like you more.”, so, for the record, Brad is totally into the dead fiance’ thing.

The cocktail party falls off of the hook. The girls sit around in evening dresses, drink and think of new and exciting ways to explain their paternal abandonment.

Vampire girl Madison was an afterthought last week and decides to do something about it. By now, she realizes that faking the whole ‘falling in love’ thing with Brad is going to be difficult. So, in order to maximize the potential of becoming the Bachelorette, she goes out on her terms.

It’s so delicately scripted.

Madison gets Brad alone and talks about showing who she really is. She then takes out her fake fangs and puts them on the table. Then she cries and says that she doesn’t ever want to take Emily’s rose away because Emily’s ‘dead fiance’ story is better than her ‘Vampire’ shtick. Brad asks her to stay.

Madison leaves in the middle of the rose ceremony because either the producers told her that would be more interesting or she figured that out for herself. Two other girls I’ve never seen before are also sent home. Next time, they’ll know to have dead loved ones.

The promo for next week promises a helicopter. 

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Topics : Entertainment_Culture
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Locations : South Carolina
People : Ashley S. HeBrad WomackEmilyHeidi KlumMadison

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