Critics are calling last night’s episode of the Bachelor “pointless”. That’s if you consider me a critic.
I hate a lot about the Bachelor but there is nothing worse than the 3rd last episode of the season. There isn’t nearly enough content to fill 2 hours of television and, because there are only 3 girls left, there is no group date drama or embarrassing family moments to fill the gaps.
There is so much room for pointless filler that ABC gives us a nice 10 minute segment of Brad packing a suitcase in a New York City hotel while he prattles on about how much he is connecting with three women. Luckily, Bachelor producers roll out the same footage viewers have seen a dozen times so we have visual stimulus to pair with Brad’s inane rambling. Brad is quite the narrator. He’s like Morgan Freeman, if you locked Morgan Freeman in a room with a barrel of crack and then snipped out the part of his brain that controls cognitive function.
“I can be myself around Chantal” Brad says as he rides a zip-line through a Rain Forest. Brad also mentions that he is so excited.
Brad gets to sleep with Chantal, Emily and Ashley in South Africa. ABC drops our young lovers in a beautiful Safari resort, complete with man-eating animals.
Chantal gets the first date. She and Brad have a guided tour of the Safari. Brad is himself. They see lions, giraffes, monkeys, elephants and deer. One of the deer looked like Jafar from Aladdin. I doubt that anyone else noticed that and, if you’ve read this far down, I don’t think that little nugget is going to send you away.
Chantal is super fun. Also, she’s chesty. She and Brad are led down to a river by a man with a rifle. They crack some beers and eat dinner about 30 feet from a Hippo. Chantal talks about how safe she feels with Brad. I’m guessing the guy with the rifle helps 'up' the security meter. I watch a lot of nature shows and I seem to remember that Hippos are about the nastiest animals on the planet. I’ll admit to wishing one charged to see just how secure Chantal really feels with Brad.
Insects thrive in South Africa. I notice some pretty big flies bang into Chantal’s face while she reminds Brad of how loaded her family is.
Brad gives Chantal an envelope from Chris Harrison. It’s an invitation for the two to spend the night together so they can have sex. She says “yes” and Brad takes her to a tree house in the middle of a field. They sleep under the stars and contract Malaria from mosquitoes the size of pears. Seriously, I noticed at least three ants crawling around on the futon while they were making out. I can’t imagine the bees in South Africa. I would never be able to go inside of a South African tool shed.
To people who fear bees, tool sheds are like basements filled with all of the Saw movies and that thing from Pans Labyrinth. (Editor's note: just skip to the next paragraph) My wife wants to go to South Africa because giraffes are cute on TV, but she just has no idea how big their bees are.
Brad is in a super good mood for his date with Emily on account of having sex the night before. He picks up Emily on a giant elephant for their date. Emily says, “This is my dream.” I guess it takes all kinds. I’ve always wanted to be able to fly like Michael Jordan. Emily wanted to ride an elephant with one of the dumbest men to ever have his own television show. These girls keep giving Brad credit for how hard he tries to show them a good time. I can’t wait until the first Friday night they spend in the real world when the hardest Brad tries is to stop at a Red Box outside of the beer store to rent Weekend at Bernie’s 2.
Emily and Brad have dinner near a pond full of baby elephants. I hope the food was good because I can’t imagine the smell. Brad gives her the fantasy suite invitation. ABC gave us a glimpse of this moment during last week’s episode and it was made clear that Emily will say “no. That way, she doesn’t have to go back to Carolina and explain to her daughter how she shacks up with Reality TV stars. In a classic case of Bachelor misdirection, Emily says “yes” to the suite. Brad makes a little noise.
Emily steps up and lies about falling in love with Brad. Brad joins me in not seeing that coming. He gets an expression on his face that reminds me of a kid finding out that school has been cancelled. Womack is unable to contain his excitement and tells Emily that he’s falling in love with her too.
I’ve watched, at least, 10 seasons of the Bachelor and I’ve never seen someone tell a contestant that they’ve loved them before the final episode. IT’S THE MOST DRAMATIC BACHELOR MOMENT EVER!
The next hour and 20 minutes, as well as the season finale, have been rendered pretty useless. It’s clear that Brad is completely infatuated with Emily and, since she’s willing to pretend like she’s in love too, she’s the winner; unless, of course, she’s terrible in bed.
After the commercial break, Brad’s final date is with Ashley. There is still way too much time left on the show.
Ashley shot a syringe of Amp into her eyeball before her date with Brad. She was extra perky. On a scale of 1-to-10, her annoyingness was a ‘10’. (Now, how hard is that?)
ABC sends in the old helicopter and Ashley freaks out. Apparently, she's deathly afraid of getting into a helicopter. Brad says, "Don't be afraid" and she's magically cured. It's a Bachelor miracle.
“I just want to sit next to her and talk”, Brad says of his perky dentist friend. He then spends the day starting fights and making Ashley feel like she’s being difficult so, when he sends her home this week, he won’t feel as bad. It’s an uncomfortable segment. Brad is just setting her up for failure with each question. You can tell Ashley senses what is going on and goes into ‘whatever’ mode.
Despite the discomfort, Brad gives her the Fantasy Sweet invitation because, when you’re in South Africa with a dentist, you should always have sex with her; even if you’re on the verge of sending her home. I noticed that the key to the fantasy suite is a skeleton key. Those are pretty secure. You can’t pick a skeleton key lock. It’s a good thing they’re not in a violent country.
Hey, how do you fill 2 hours with no content? You unveil the contestants for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. Surgery with no anesthesia would be painful. I kept that in mind when I decided not to hit fast-forward on the DVR to watch a minute of the tire fire.
Tom Bergeron brought out Hines Ward, Ralph Macchio and others. Tom announced that he was going to allow the media to ask them questions. One of the guys from ‘All My Chidren’ asked Kirstie Alley something about being nice and a bunch of stomach acid bubbled up and burned my esophagus. I skipped the rest of the promotional filler and said a short prayer to Jesus to thank him for guiding my wife away from Dancing with the Stars.
A 7 minute commercial for a separate television show was not enough filler, so Chris Harrison flew out to South Africa have a nice chat with Brad. It’s nice that Brad has Chris to talk to because his father was never around.
Before the Rose Ceremony, Brad pulls Ashley aside so he could dump her while she was sitting down. Ashley is surprised by the news because she has not yet seen the footage of Brad with Emily. ABC begs Brad to continue with the Rose ceremony anyway because they still have 4 minutes to fill.
So your champion match-up is Chantal V. Emily. It’s not close on paper. Emily is an 18.5 point favorite. She could crawl onto Chris Harrison’s lap and start licking his face during the final Rose ceremony and still not lose this thing.
The three are staying in South Africa and ABC will fly Brad’s family in to meet his girlfriends. Brad’s father will not make it. He’s never around.
Next week is ‘The Women Tell All’ week. All of the jilted hoochies from the season come back for one last chance to be on TV. I’m hoping that guy with the rifle is invited because those girls can get a little nasty.