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What if I died by the pool?
Posted: Tuesday, 13 January 2009 2:32PM

Reality TV Check



People always ask me, "Why do you 'HAVE' to watch 'The Bachelor' and 'American Idol' and I tell them, "Mom! It's 3 o'clock in the morning. Stop calling here."

I'm a grown man. I don't HAVE to do anything. But, I'm also a married man. So, I HAVE to watch 'The Bachelor' and 'American Idol'. I would rather lick a wasps' nest than sit down for a pair of two-hour Idol nights this week. Unfortunately, it's January and all of the wasps' nest are covered with snow. Luckily, I'll share my pain with you here. I am pleading with my friends to jump in on an Idol fantasy draft to make it bearable but I'm expecting to once again do this alone and in anguish.

Meanwhile, a stomach flu was not enough to keep me from week 2 of the Bachelor Monday night. My favorite part of the opening for week 2 was the voice-over explaining how Jason, the Bachelor, is looking for the right woman to help raise his infant son, while we watched video footage of him washing his abs in the shower. It was truly sincere.

When we last left our hero he was dating 15 women at once who, for some reason, all remain annoyed at the fact that they have to share their total stranger even though they signed a form agreeing to appear on national television and share a total stranger with 15 other women. All of this, of course, after watching 7 seasons of the show on television and seeing the severe psychological damage done to other women who ventured down this exact road.

Other highlights from Monday night include a pool-party with the Bachelor and the girls to get to know each other better. I had a horrible thought while watching. Hundreds of people die each year by slipping and hitting their heads by the pool. (Source: Wikipedia)
What would happen if one of the girls slipped and died during an episode? Would they give her a ceremonial rose? Would they finish lunch? Would we get a video confession of a girl admitting that she was glad there was one less girl to compete with? 

My last question was answered when it was revealed that Lisa was leaving the show to be with her ailing grandmother. TWO girls actually said, on camera, in front of the entire world, that they were glad that there was one less girl to compete with for a rose. I love this country.

Back to the pool party. What if the Bachelor slipped and died by the pool during the shooting for the second episode? How many of the girls would fake being upset before moving on to another souless, attention-seeking venture? Would ABC scrap the season, or would they try to pull a 'Weekend at Bernie's' and prop Jason up so they could cram in some more footage of his abs before his skin turns blue?

Unfortunately, we'll never know. 

Jillian scored a one-on-one date with Jason and was surprised with a private Robin Thicke concert. They were the only two people in a theatre while Thicke and the band jammed on stage. That had to be the most awkward concert in the history of man. It doesn't matter how much noise you make after a song. The band is still playing in front of two people.
Jason and Jillian managed to make things more akward by making out in the middle of a slow jam.

These are the things that keep me coming back to 'The Bachelor'.

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